E3 Day 2: Paris Hilton Can Bite My Calluses

Now with bandwidth destroying pictures…

Tucker Max, on a fuzzy screen, in a sleazy hotel room,

on the Fox News channel. It all fits.

- I am getting very tired of traffic. No, really. Especially the LA \’e2\’80\’9cI\’e2\’80\’99m going to stop an entire busy thoroughfare because I need to pick up a friend but I\’e2\’80\’99m going to discuss it with them first\’e2\’80\’9d kind.

It’s traditional for me to take this shot every year, I think. Here’s this year’s.

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Clearly as handing out demo CDs is a dangerous task, America’s Army has resorted to the latest in drone technology.

- NCSoft\’e2\’80\’99s booth: VERY LOUD. The band \’e2\’80\’9cMutaytor\’e2\’80\’9d was there, who specialize in having women in Tabula Rasa uniforms toss flaming sticks around on stage. The games looked good although obviously most of them I\’e2\’80\’99d already seen by virtue of, you know, working there.

FIRE! Heh heh heh. GIRLS! Heh heh heh. OK, I’m deaf.

I need to ask someone if firedancing is a skill in Tabula Rasa.

- I ran into Brad McQuaid at SOE\’e2\’80\’99s booth, who very kindly did not try to garrote me but instead showed Vanguard off. Vanguard is easily the most improved MMO of the show; they\’e2\’80\’99ve come a long way from the rough clients they\’e2\’80\’99ve shown at previous E3s and save a few rough spots (mostly involving combat animations) it looks perilously close to coming out. The devs who showed it off clearly were all experienced EQ-style MMO players and showed off various subtle game systems and UI improvements that would only make sense if you were staring at a combat screen forever, such as pre-built combat macros for common tasks, inherent friendly- and enemy- target differentation and the like.There\’e2\’80\’99s still some \’e2\’80\’9cNO COMPROMISES!\’e2\’80\’9d stuff in the game such as no instant travel (save combat evacs) and (under discussion) corpse retrieval runs but overall it should appeal to old-school Everquest fans who found World of Warcraft too simplistic.

Also at the SOE booth was Ryan \’e2\’80\’9cGrouchy Gnome\’e2\’80\’9d Shwayder, and we copped a squat and traded war stories about blogging while working on a live team.

- Snuck into Mythic\’e2\’80\’99s booth to hassle ex-coworkers. Mark Jacobs demanded props on my blog for his skills at predicting trends in the MMO industry, a frequent topic of conversation/gossip when we meet. (Which is true; Mark\’e2\’80\’99s been making these games for a long time now, so not much of what happens any more is terribly new to him, I\’e2\’80\’99d imagine.) This disturbs me since I had previously labored under the delusion that Mark didn\’e2\’80\’99t know my blog existed. Hi Mark! Anyway I didn\’e2\’80\’99t get a good look at Warhammer because I was mainly there to hassle people, but what I saw looked pretty slick and had come a long way from the last time I saw it (which implies a lot of work at Mythic when you consider I had last seen it a few months ago).

- So you may think I love everything I saw at E3 from the above. Not quite. There was a certain very large MMO which was showing an expansion, but it looked just like the same things they had been showing for every E3 the past few years. Also I got in and saw the PS3 stuff at Sony\’e2\’80\’99s booth which looked remarkably like the stuff Microsoft was showing in the Xbox360 area. I didn\’e2\’80\’99t see anything which convinced me to go run out and buy a PS3 RIGHT NOW. And when I took a picture near the Final Fantasy 12 area I was told sternly not to take any pictures of FF12. Which kind of amused me since you can walk into any store in Japan and just BUY the damned thing.

Microsoft’s XBox360 pod people.

Quite possibly the worst screenshot of Age of Conan that it is humanly possible to take.

Hellgate: Diablo!

More Hellgate:Diablo. Hey, I bet that guy has a quest.

Audition had one of the biggest booths at the show. REALLY.

Another year, another crowd watching a Metal Gear Solid trailer rapturously.

NEED. MORE. PRINNYS.

Nintendo bravely decided that in lieu of showing the Wii on the floor, they would instead focus on “Phoenix Wright: Pet Detective”.

So, yeah, PS3. Woo.

This is all 99.97% of the show got to see of Fallout 3. (No, I’m not in the .03%)

- But all of this pales next to my adventures with Paris Hilton. No, really. Apparently Paris Hilton has this Bejeweled clone or something with her name on it, and she was going to show it off. I knew this for two reasons. One, I saw a line full of people waiting to see Paris Hilton, which amused me greatly. Two, her security team without warning decided to actually close down the exit she was scheduled to arrive at. If you\’e2\’80\’99ve ever been in E3, you know that this is completely insane. So as I come up on the exit, I see two VERY LARGE linebacker types in black suits ordering people away. \’e2\’80\’9cEXIT CLOSED! GO ALLLLL THE WAY AROUND! EXIT CLOSED!\’e2\’80\’9d

OK, this crap ain’t happenin’.

I get pissed off. I know what uniforms convention center security people look like, and these people weren\’e2\’80\’99t wearing them. Something insane in my ur-brain clicked from too much walking, and I remembered that I was in fact, six foot five.

So I walk up to Secret Service Wannabe A.

\’e2\’80\’9cExcuse me\’e2\’80\’a6\’e2\’80\’9d

\’e2\’80\’9cALL THE WAY OVER! EXIT CLOSED!\’e2\’80\’9d

\’e2\’80\’9cYou can\’e2\’80\’99t do this. You don\’e2\’80\’99t work here.\’e2\’80\’9d

At this point he tries to look down on me. Bear in mind, again, I am six foot five. That being said this guy had a few inches on me. His friend starts to brace as well.

\’e2\’80\’9cExCUSE me? This is Security and we have closed this exit!\’e2\’80\’9d

\’e2\’80\’9cCan I see your ID?\’e2\’80\’9d

By this time we\’e2\’80\’99re attracting a crowd. SS Wannabe A flashes, I kid you not, an armband from a bar. I snicker. I think I was supposed to be intimidated at this point, but remember, I am REALLY TIRED and I think the part of my brain that was supposed to be scared had gone to sleep.

\’e2\’80\’9cYou. Can\’e2\’80\’99t. Close. This. Exit.\’e2\’80\’9d

\’e2\’80\’9cMOVE ALONG!\’e2\’80\’9d

\’e2\’80\’9cNO! YOU DON\’e2\’80\’99T WORK HERE! YOU CAN\’e2\’80\’99T DO THIS!\’e2\’80\’9d

\’e2\’80\’9cYOU NEED TO MOVE ALONG!\’e2\’80\’9d

While we\’e2\’80\’99re shouting at each other and spraying each other with testosterone from our pineal gland or something, people take advantage of the confusion and start elbowing past our little scene. Once the first person did, everyone did; it became a rush for the exit from the pent up mass of people, none of which could give a flying fig who Paris Hilton was.

The security wannabes at this point realized the battle was lost, and backed out of the way, barking \’e2\’80\’9cOK, YOU CAN EXIT, BUT KEEP MOVING! NO STOPPING! KEEP MOVING TO THE EXIT!\’e2\’80\’9d

Clearly, I have won E3.

At this point thus ends the saga of Lum vs. Paris Hilton\’e2\’80\’99s Security Detail, which is probably the dumbest thing I\’e2\’80\’99ve done in at least two days. So if I mysteriously stop posting to this blog, it\’e2\’80\’99s probably because the Paris Hilton Militia has TAKEN ME OUT.

- Ran into Raph Koster, and we toured Kentia Hall. Sadly Kentia Hall was bereft of the glorious weirdness that differentiated it in years past aside from the biofeedback PS2 controller which apparently made you control race cars by THINKING VERY HARD. We also saw the back of 50 Cent\’e2\’80\’99s head. I make a mental note not to try to intimidate 50 Cent\’e2\’80\’99s security detail as they are more likely to pistol whip me than the Paris Hilton security detail.

I think he’s, like, famous or something.

Around this point Raph noticed that I was literally limping, probably from the HUGE FREAKING CALLUS developing on my foot. Note: don\’e2\’80\’99t buy new sneakers just before E3. NOT WISE.

The Bloginati ask each other, “what are YOU doing in Kentia Hall..?” From left, Brian “Psychochild” Green, Bruce “SirBruce” Woodcock (occluded partially by Brian’s head), some out of focus guy, Raph “Raph” Koster, Joe “Joe” Blancato, and Jonathan “Landslide” Hayter.

- F13\’e2\’80\’99s Schild really likes Disgaea toy figures. No, really. I have pictures.

See, this is why you run a website…

…because marketing people give you little dolls.

- We ended the evening at the Escapist\’e2\’80\’99s party, which was fun, especially when the bar stopped being exclusive and trendy LA people started showing up. Note: most people in the gaming industry are not trendy LA people. It\’e2\’80\’99s really easy to tell the difference.