Answering A Penultimate Geek Question

In a completely unrelated thread, I raised the spectre of one of the hallowed geek questions, “Who would win: Enterprise or Death Star?” Most people laughed and went for the Death Star because hey, that’s no moon. My response, I think, solves the issue admirably.

Plus you have to remember, the MacGyverish manner in which Death Star I and it’s “oh screw it, let’s just waste the galaxy’s resources making another one with an equally crippling design flaw that the primary weapon used by our enemies field in quantity can trivially exploit” cousin Death Star II were taken down. Starfleet is TRAINED for MacGyver moments.

They’d warp out of the system, leaving behind a plucky engineer and a couple of security people in a cloaked shuttlecraft. They would land right in the death star trench and drop a mine down the exhaust port. The mine would of course fail to arm, and a security person would manfully volunteer to descend into the trench and arm the mine manually, assuring his death, because hey, it’s what security people on the Enterprise do.

The Death Star would explode shortly therafter, possibly with Darth Vader feeling oddly about the Force, as if it was being countered by a Secular Humanist Federation Distortion Field. The remaining security person and the plucky engineer would return to the Enterprise shortly thereafter, staring wistfully into space.

  • Noel

    Minus ten points for not mentioning that the guy having to manually fix the mine would be wearing a red shirt.

    Plus ten points for using the word ‘plucky’.

    Minus fifty points for bringing up a ‘who would win’ scenario.

    Minus one hundred points to me for answering. =(

    -N

  • http://ve3d.ign.com/ Apache

    Dude,

    100 enterpises couldn’t take down a deathstar.

    lol

  • jid

    I’ve actually never heard that one before… but isn’t it a little unfair to pit the enterprise, which consists of the heroes who always win, versus the death star, which contains the badduns who are doomed to lose on account of their being bad? I can make sense of spiderman vs batman because they are both heroes, when two heroes collide nobody knows what the fuck to do, but the enterprise is the easy pick. Of course they win by Macguyverish virtue because they’re the heroes.

    Now the enterprise vs say the millenium falcon? then what?

  • Ironwood

    Why are they fighting ?

  • Reg

    I’d rather know who wins in a fight between the Enterprise and the Battlestar Galactica.

  • lisasdarren

    Everyone is missing a rather significant point here, for both the original Enterprise vs. Deathstar and the newly suggested Enterprise vs. Battlestar Galactica.

    Only the enterprise can conduct battles while in FTL travel, so they would be able to just flyby on either opponent, shooting them with impunity while being effectivly invisible due to their high relative speed.

  • http://www.damnedvulpine.com J.

    In the BSG version, Luke joins the Dark Side early and ends up piloting a tie fighter, then drops a mine down one of the crags of Commander Adama’s face.

    No force required.

  • Eso

    But the real battle would be:

  • Eso

    Hmm, that didnt work.

    Ah well, check it. And the real battle.

  • http://erratic-regard.blogspot.com Fred

    I’m ashamed to admit it, but you are right. Thousands of empire laborers would fall quite easily to that guy wearing the air filter on his head.

    The Death Star was certainly the Pinto of the empire’s arsenal.

  • Nicademus

    So wait…. are we talking Kirk’s enterprise (which would clearly be pwn3d) or TNG Enterprise?

    In the case of TNG Enterprise it would really come down to how many simultaneous phaser beams the enterprise can emit at once (god help me in the pit of my stomach I KNOW there is a text out there with the actual answer to that.)

    Assuming TNG Enterprise can keep up constant multi-directional phaser fire for sustained periods of time (essentially a phaser CIWS) then it clearly wins. Enterprise phasers almost never miss and tie fighters have no shields, so r00fl3 p3M3d to them. So we’d be down to a capital ship to ship engagement. In which case the Enterprise clearly wins.

    See the Death Star can’t spin like a top and it’s uber cannon only fires from one relatively small section of it’s surface. So all the Enterprise would have to do is keep away from the SETI dish area and just bombard the fuck out of the deathstar’s shields. Now whether or not this is a quick process depends on whether this is Pre-kicked the Borg’s ass or post-p3M3d borg.

    Either way once the shields are down the Enterprise just goes into deathstar syncronise orbit, turns all the gun turrets that can bear to slag with phaser fire, then it essentially turns into a JumpGate mining mission. It would core the deathstar in a couple weeks tops.

    And really when you get right down to it, what is a Borg cube except a fast deathstar without the BFG?

    Not even a debate.

  • neuraljazz

    Why are they fighting again? I thought the Enterprise and the Death Star were on the same side of the law… just different departments of Homesector Security.

  • =j

    Death Star 1 was flying solo. But DSII had a whole flotilla (dose this term even apply to space ships) of supporting star destroyers.

    OTOH, imagine hitting either Death Star with a GENESIS device. >=]

  • Nicademus

    CLEARLY the genesis idea is a no go, the death star doesn’t have and atmosphere and if Genesis had to generate one from the solid mass of the space station there wouldn’t be enough matter left over for a viable planetoid.

    Cmon J, lets be realistic here. Now if you want to talk about the Enterprise violating the Khitomer Accords and deploying subspace weapons, THAT is an interestig arguement.

    Wow, this must be what it feels like to be Sirbruce.

  • xzzy

    Couldn’t the Enterprise just teleport a bomb to the Death Star’s center?

    The Force is good for nothing but one on one combat, and clearly the Federation has technological superiority. What the Empire has in girth, it lacks in dogfight capability. Obviously the Enterprise would be toast if the Empire was ever able to bring their weapons to bear, but you can’t forget the ace up Enterprise’s sleeve: Polarity reversal.

  • http://www.grimwell.com Dark Dryad

    Methinks there is soon to be a geen orgasm here

  • http://www.grimwell.com Dark Dryad

    err geek

  • Nicademus

    Battle Meditation from KoTOR can swing whole battles.

    And teleporting never works when its the simple solution, thats what so great about BSG they don’t have to spend 15 minutes explaining why their omnipotent powers won’t work in this case.

    Speaking of which when the fuck is the full second season coming out on DVD? My damn Tivo crashed and I lost some episodes before watching them.

  • Eso

    Nicademus, you can pick up the second half of season 2 on Itunes, or other bittorrent providers if you’re a cheapo, until it comes out on DVD

  • http://www.darniaq.com Darniaq

    Enterprise. Three reasons:

    1) Teleporters (bothered me it took all the way to Voyager nearish-end-season for them to figure out the telebomb trick)

    2) Shields. Unless the Enterprise engages the DS in drydock, it’s got no real shielding beyond normal magnetics. Use that Disrupter Cannon thing from Best of Both Worlds

    3) Physics. In Trek, the Laws of Phsyics don’t apply. With the windup that the DS beam takes to fire, the Enterprise would have more than enough time to siddle out of the way. As long as Picard doesn’t want to have a conference about it first.

    Now, the better question, the one that brings back all sorts of nostalgia:

    Battlestar vs Enterprise.

    :)

  • blachawk

    A trekkie friend of mine whipped out his Enterprise tech manuals to settle the dispute when I posed this matchup a few years ago.

    Assuming the Enterprise can use its speed to stay out of the way of the BFG (as someone earlier suggested), it can fire on the DS with impunity because the laser cannons of the DS, its escorts, and its fighters are not nearly strong enough to penetrate the shields of the Enterprise.

    As for the telebomb trick, as is typical of the ST universe, there would be way too much ‘interference’ to pull that off.

  • BostonBum0

    If I recall correctly from Star Wars fluff, the force only works on inhabitants from their galaxy. The example I am thinking of was called the Yuuzhan Vong. I think the force won’t even work on Trek universe humans for that reason.

    http://www.starwars.com/databank/species/yuuzhanvong/index.html

  • TPRJones

    Teleporters and the will to use them however you need to to win will always triumph over those not having teleporters or shields to stop them. It’s the deus ex machina that makes Star Trek plotting problematic.

    Of course, every captain since Kirk is too much of a wimp to actually do what needs to be done to win a war against an oponent like Vader or Adama, so if it’s not Kirk in charge it goes back to being a tossup.

  • JustTeasin

    If Darth Vader and other Sith aren’t on the DS at the time, a small boarding party from the Enterprise (about 3 should do) could take out the whole crew, since storm troopers have the same aiming skills as the A-Team.