"I Was Wrong! Who Knew!"

Posted on January 26, 2008 by Scott Jennings| 19 Comments

Today’s New York Times brings word that noted video game analyst Cooper Lawrence has actually determined, after keen study, that Mass Effect is not a movie starring Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson.

I recognize that I misspoke. I really regret saying that, and now that I’ve seen the game and seen the sex scenes it’s kind of a joke.

HAH HAH! You’re so funny, ma’am.

Darling, I gotta go with the research. And the research says there’s a new study out of the University of Maryland right now that says that boys that play video games cannot tell the difference between what they’re seeing in the video game and the real world…

Poochiekins, I gotta go with my own research, which says that there’s a new study somewhere on the Intarweb that says that girls that appear on The Tyra Banks Show cannot tell the difference between what they randomly guess is in a video game and the real world.

cooper.jpgOf course, this whole whozabobbawhumsit did accomplish one very important thing: it set up the first appearance by Cooper Lawrence in the New York Times.

Cooper Lawrence fans everywhere thank you! Really. Just as soon as we find some, we’re sure that they’re gonna be thankful all over the place. Don’t worry, Ms. Lawrence – this being the Internet, and your being a perky young female, we’re pretty sure someone will show up to give you lots of gold and powerlevelling. That’s how things work out here in the male-driven rapeland that is video gaming!

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  • http://ve3d.ign.com/ Apache

    she’s an evil mainstream twin of Sanya ;)

  • http://www.damnedvulpine.com/ J.

    I still don’t really feel like spending money on Mass Effect.

  • http://www.thisisnotacommunity.org D-0ne

    She slept her way to the top.

    I don’t know her or anything about her but saying she slept her way to the top will help make me famous and get me some attention.

  • Naladini

    Didn’t we ask for someone to replace J.T. as the kooky extremist on these talk shows? This stand-in is a lot better looking, unfortunately for her though, seems much more concerned with being on the news program than actually saying anything factual or relevant that would get her called back as an actual expert on this topic.

  • Aufero

    Since when are TV “experts” required to say anything factual or relevant? Notoriety is more valuable than truth, for advertising purposes.

    As for Mass Effect, my indignation is tempered by the realization that I won’t be playing it any time soon, since I still don’t feel like buying an Xbox 360.

  • hkedi

    The first amendment is nice and all, but we really need to put in some penalties for personalities of major media outlets who spout utter bullshit as the word of god, and then go “Oops!” after the damage is done.

    As training for a whimsical tyrant, I’d suggest something humiliating, yet short, to teach a silly pundit the error of his or her ways. It’s a fool’s errand, educating a pundit, but it may discourage others from taking the same path, and it makes me feel better.

    Therfore! Any pundit has difficulty in recognizing the difference between sex acts in the real and virtual world should be forced to have sex with people who could not readily defined as “real” until the pundit has grasped the difference. Not being of her sex, I would not presume upon a proper partner, but as a male I would submit two nominees. Rosie Odonnell, who will be accepted without dispute as ‘not real” and Laura Bush. I understand the confusion with Mrs. Bush, but really, how could any human have that much botox injected into their face and still be able to breathe without constant assistance?

    I rest my case. Further nominations are open to all who wish to give them.

  • L’Emmerdeur

    The only truth here is that she is painfully ugly to the point of making my willy shrivel in loathing and fear.

    I wonder if EA could make a slander case against her. I don’t see why not.

  • Ironwood

    They went after her book rankings. That’s genius.

  • Saben

    “There’s a new study out of the University of Maryland that says this book sucks.” – Review of “The Cult of Perfection” by Cooper Lawrence.

    I pulled that one from Destructoid, but it was funny.

  • yunk

    Are you saying that TV has lied to me?

  • maskedfencer

    “The first amendment is nice and all, but we really need to put in some penalties for personalities of major media outlets who spout utter bullshit as the word of god, and then go “Oops!” after the damage is done.”

    There is, it’s called Slander. Which EA Games has an airtight case for damages, but they went for “suggesting” they retract it, since an outright lawsuit would have looked like they had something to hide.

  • Boanerges

    The first amendment is nice and all, but we really need to put in some penalties for personalities of major media outlets who spout utter bullshit as the word of god, and then go “Oops!” after the damage is done.

    First off, that would require shutting down every mainstream media outlet there is (starting with the NY Times) because, sooner or later, they all have ranters who have little or no exposure to the subject they’re analyzing (or they simply get it wrong and don’t care).

    Second, you need to realize that the 24 hour news cycle doesn’t really have 24 hours of news so they fill in the rest with analysis. In this case an analyst who apparently never bothered to play the game, just had an axe to grind. She’s hardly alone, but a lot easier on the eyes than most. If you don’t believe me, go watch something like the Today show and you’re guaranteed to see one at least every other day.

    The easy solution? Ban split-screen news channel debates. They never go well and are 99% of the time people talking over each other.

  • Flim

    “This being the Internet, and your being a perky young female, we’re pretty sure someone will show up to give you lots of gold and powerlevelling. That’s how things work out here in the male-driven rapeland that is video gaming!”

    I assumed this was meant to be sarcastic but all of a sudden I was put in mind of Jade Raymond…. hrm.

  • http://wttf.org jeremy

    How nice it would be to have Mass Effect star Jenna Jameson, and I guess Ron Jeremy too if it were a package deal.

  • http://socialistgamerreview.com Jeremy Williams

    There’s a study… somewhere… that said this thing about video games… and it was bad. Very bad. Lots of experts wrote it too.

    In other news, her teeth scare me.

  • http://www.battlevortex.com William Purvis

    This almost got me angry enough to make a comment. To EA… Seek and distroy! Where is Tyrant when you need him?

  • kalain

    I’m wondering when the resolution on Real Life got so bad that young boys couldn’t tell the difference between pixels and reality.

    Honestly, that study is either seriously being misrepresented or just completely bullshit.

  • Dren

    It is so so true. I have two boys that play video games and I have to constantly tell them that they will not, not matter how hard they try, find any Pokeman roaming around our neighborhood. They won’t find Transformers, Batman, Spiderman, or any aliens from outer space.

    They are obviously in South America. They always have all the fun.

    I do believe there is an alternate universe much like Star Wars Legos.

    There just HAS to be.

  • http://www.gameamp.com RonJ73

    Wow…this lady is like the Anne Coulter of video games.