This Just In: USSR Not Actually After Crystal Skulls

Posted on May 25, 2008 by Scott Jennings| 21 Comments

The Communist Party of the Russian Federation would like you to know that the latest Indiana Jones movie is, like, totally made up, OK?

He said many Russian cinemagoers were teenagers who would be “completely unaware of what happened in 1957″, when the film is set.

“They will go to the cinema and will be sure that in 1957 we made trouble for the United States and almost started a nuclear war.

“It’s rubbish… In 1957 the communists did not run with crystal skulls throughout the US.”

No, but in 1956 the communists did run with lead rifles through Hungary!

This entry was posted in _. Bookmark the permalink.
  • dartwick

    WTF is a “lead rifle”?

    99.99%+ of all rifles ever made have shot lead bullets. But there is no such thing as lead rifle and they are never called that.
    In fact if you google the term – this blog is the first thing youll find using the term.

  • Elgoog

    @dartwick- Good catch. We all know the rifles were made of pie.

    It is good to know that Russian youth are just as shitty at History as American Youth. Maybe if we put some real marketing power behind this movie we can get Russian Youths to go after the skulls instead of constantly trying to steal my Credit Card number via the internets.

  • http://beafraid.com hellfire

    If you haven’t seen the movie yet, don’t. Save yourself and that darkened, crusty glob of festering bile that used to be your heart.

    I never thought a movie with Queen Elizabeth and Han fricking Solo could make me want to cut myself.

  • http://www.damnedvulpine.com/ J.

    The movie really did sell the whole Red Scare really well. The government was totally justified in suspecting everyone was a Russian spy. When the Russians are conducting operations in America with no consideration at all for getting caught, well, maybe they needed to come up with the color-coded threat level system way sooner.

  • BadMisterFrosty

    Well, it’s not *that* obvious. One of the enjoying things of the series to me is that mixes up fiction with history, mostly through the fact that it’s based on serial adventures pulp etc. which somewhat snapshots a zeitgeist. For example, Nazi actually were into occultism.

    The latest installment of Indiana Jones did well in my opinion. Most, if not all critics I’ve read are blind to the many Catch-22s the film is in. For example, should you modernize it? Which part? They chose to move the serial-adventure-pulp part into the 50ies (which is good), which also somewhat updated the occult magic into technical magic (which was too much), but they also decided to keep the look and feel consistent and not update that one (which was good).

    Anyway. While they are at it: they could also tell their youth that Stalin was a mass murderer. Oh, and someone could explain the americans that they did *not* defeat the Nazis (red army did mostly, I’m afraid). Ah … and God did not started evolution or other crap and … and …

  • http://www.stormhammer.org Naladini

    I think you should be on the Bureau’s list just for writing about this….

  • http://www.damnedvulpine.com/ J.

    I liked it, but then I had a beer while I was watching it. Hell, in the last movie they found the Holy Grail. How do you top that? Well, they topped it. Didn’t tell as near as good a story as they might have, but they were saddled with a lot, and I thought everyone in the cast gave it their all.

  • Alan Au

    Look forward to an announcement from the U.S. government stating that they don’t actually have the Ark of the Covenant.

  • http://socialistgamerreview.com Ravenhawk

    @Alan Au: Or at least a very shifty-eye “We don’t know what you’re talking about.”
    Who says they don’t ACTUALLY have the Ark?

  • Aufero

    The movie could have gone a lot worse – Lucas wanted to call it “Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men From Mars”. I assume the Communist party would have been issuing denials about Martian invations in that case.

  • http://emergentfuture.com Arrakiv

    Pssh, the next thing you know they will be saying that the Nazi’s werent after, and almost obtained, both the Ark and the Holy Grail. Riiiight. We all know that the Indiana Jones movies are documentaries!

    And, I would like to take a moment to share my great saddness that Japan will not see the Indie release until late June. And I’m here for another good month and a half.

  • Viz

    Geopolitical consequences? What about the plot holes!? You people need to get your priorities straight.

  • elijah

    it wasnt a bad movie. the ending was kinda stupid, but it was good overall. damn sure better than temple of doom.

  • Steve

    Then again, if the Russians hadn’t invaded Hungary in 1956, my dad wouldn’t had escaped the country and come to America, and I wouldn’t exist.

  • yunk

    Interesting, so they admit their teenagers are completely unaware of happenings in 1957, meaning their redaction of history textbooks has worked!

  • rbtroj

    My grandfather was a Russian special agent who spent a great deal of time in Peru in the late 50s. He had a crystal skull that was passed onto me after my grandmother died a few years ago.

    Actually, I’m looking at it right now and it dawns on me that it’s probably lucite. And it’s also probably from a head shop in San Francisco.

  • http://ambernight.org amber

    I tried to get into this movie. I really did. It didn’t suck, and I didn’t feel ripped off, but I couldn’t help thinking that it just didn’t quite have the feel of an Indiana Jones movie. I think what it lacked was an enemy you could really get behind. I mean…Nazis. Now there’s some dudes you can totally hate. They’re all with the black uniforms and the skull insignias and the swastikas and stuff. But Communists? They…um…pronounce their “w’s” as “v’s.” We didn’t even get a “No Dr. Jones, I expect you to DIE!” Meh.

    Kudos to Spielberg for casting a 40-something woman as the leading lady though. It showed that you don’t have to pair up a 60-something year-old leading man with a 20-something year-old leading lady, which quite frankly is gross. She didn’t have quite the spunk that she did in the first movie, but then neither did Harrison Ford.

  • http://tagn.wordpress.com/ Wilhelm2451

    Hearing the Communist Party Chairman of St. Petersburg complain about this movie is like hearing the grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan complain that the Klan was depicted as comic buffoons in “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” Both of their reputations seem to be somewhat enhanced by movie nonsense relative to what they were actually up to at the time.

  • tannenburg

    Now, now, everyone knows that Russians are a childlike, simple people who cannot tell the difference between the wonderfully colorful worlds of the movies and reality.

  • http://mythicalblog.com Jeff Freeman

    Why don’t they just post “FAKE” in the comments on Youtube like everyone else.

  • http://wowpanda.blogspot.com wowpanda

    To Amber, Communists are the advanced sect of Socialist, and Socialists are the formations of Nazi party (It is National Socialism party, Nationalsozialismus, or the new progressives in US).

    Communism: no private property at all
    Socialism: some personal private property, but the big ones, i.e land/houses etc belong to government.