OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD

…or, more correctly, the Meltdown MS trade show in Seattle this week, which has the dubious honor of asking yours truly to moderate an MMO panel. Considering I have all the charisma of a wet ferret when speaking in public, this should be fun! Anyway, gone for a week. Try not to mess the place up with 50 page arguments about Iraq, k?

STALKER ALERT: New mugshot of your humble narrator posted.

PING!

Microsoft Windows XP [Version 5.1.2600]
(C) Copyright 1985-2001 Microsoft Corp.

C:\\MythicDev>ping hell.com

Pinging hell.com [161.58.154.209] with 32 bytes of data:

Reply from 161.58.154.209: bytes=32 time=481ms TTL=245
Reply from 161.58.154.209: bytes=32 time=131ms TTL=245
Reply from 161.58.154.209: bytes=32 time=23ms TTL=245
Reply from 161.58.154.209: bytes=32 time=22ms TTL=245

Ping statistics for 161.58.154.209:
Packets: Sent = 4, Received = 4, Lost = 0 (0% loss),
Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:
Minimum = 22ms, Maximum = 481ms, Average = 164ms

C:\\MythicDev>

NO RED FOR YOU

According to this news story, Robert Mugabe’s Zimbabwe has banned the color red from TV. It’s not explained how this is considered to be even possible.

Zimbabwe later furiously denied the story.

For those who don’t religiously follow tales of out-of-the-way dictatorships, Zimbabwe is in the process of starving its people to death. Meanwhile, Zimbabwe’s propaganda minister and former dissident (of the same government), Jonathan Moyo, is now a rock star. Robert Mugabe also thinks gays are responsible for all of Zimbabwe’s problems, as are the British, and has come to the conclusion that, well, they’re the same thing. Jonathan Moyo was recently proven by hair testing to be gay. No, I’m not sure how that works either. However, he’s also been accused of being a gay rant, which also is somewhat disturbing if unclear as to exactly what that is. Moyo, in response, called the US a bunch of hamburger-eating imperialists. Honestly, I’ve made none of this up.

More from Zimbabwe later, assuming it does not collapse into a black hole of improbability.

PUT THE RING DOWN AND GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW!!!

Some ad banners are more disturbing than others.

That’s right – people toying with other people’s emotions on dating services has gone too far… being married is now a felony.

I’m pretty sure the Federal Defense of Marraige Act is supposed to save us from this.

THIS JUST IN: SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WANT YOU TO STOP TOUCHING THEM

This is the best E3 report ever written. Seriously, I wanted to do something like that back when I did stuff like that, but I never actually got the cojones to walk up to a working girl and ask “So, how do you feel about idiots like me acting like it was the first time they’ve ever been allowed next to a woman?” Truly, an article only a woman could write.

And remember, when you go to E3 to ogle booth babes, you embark on a journey in depravity so sad, even the Project Entropia chick looks down on you.

“This is our first show outside of Sweden, and it’s my first time away from our booth. I decided to walk around and look at some of the other booths, and I’ve been trying to find out what American men like.” She casts a dismissive gaze over Gallop Racer 2004, where a booth babe named “Coco Butter” is currently straddling a wooden horse-head stick and cracking her whip like a jockey-dominatrix.

“American men seem to like totally fake people. Big boobs and mouths. I don’t understand it,” she declares. I tell her I’m Canadian and that Los Angeles is a bit of a culture-shock for me as well. She smiles and invites me to the Swedish Pavilion to see her game.

No, folks, it’s not a script from Cinemax After Dark, it’s the gaming industry. We’ll be here all week.

STAY ON TARGET!

So someone sent me a link to a freeware Star Wars game some guy from Spain did using Visual Basic and a freeware 3D engine.

Very primitive models, music ripped straight from the Star Wars trilogy, mouse control is kinda hinky…

… HOLY CRAP I JUST FLEW THROUGH A FORMATION OF SIXTY TIE FIGHTERS!

So. Download the Battle of Endor and learn some lessons about how it doesn’t require the latest 3D engine and quad-mapped texture shaders to induce a sense of scale that borders on wonderment.