HEARTS OF IRON, BRAINS OF MUSH I: 1936, WHERE NOTHING MUCH HAPPENS

The following is the transcript of an interMythic grudge match, where we decide “What would happen if World War 2 was fought by game developers with attention deficit disorder?”Your hosts for this evening are:

Scott “Lum” Jennings, for the USSR. Scott’s strategy as the USSR is to invade everywhere. No, really.
Walt “Copper” Yarbrough, for Germany. Walt’s strategy is to play verrrrry sloooowly and wear us all down through attrition.
Steve “Yarmonkey” Marvin, for the USA. Steve has been locked up in the Imperator cave for two years, so we’re not really that sure what his strategy will be. Since he’s playing the US, it probably involves nuclear weapons.

1936-01-06 : Copper (everyone):Ok, I think I’m set up
1936-01-07 : Lum (everyone):all righty then
1936-01-07 : Yarmonkey (everyone):heh, the clock has been running dude
1936-01-07 : Lum (everyone):prepare for… 3 years of peace!

1936-02-03 : 3:00 March 4, 1936 : Soviet Union declared war upon Manchukuo.
1936-02-03 : 3:00 March 4, 1936 : Mongolia joined the war on the same side as Soviet Union in their war against Manchukuo.
1936-02-03 : 3:00 March 4, 1936 : Tannu Tuva joined the war on the same side as Soviet Union and Mongolia in their war against Manchukuo.
1936-02-03 : 3:00 March 4, 1936 : Japan joined the war on the same side as Manchukuo in their war against Soviet Union, Mongolia and Tannu Tuva.
1936-02-03 : Yarmonkey (everyone):It’s war!
1936-02-03 : Lum (everyone):I don’t play well with others
1936-02-03 : Copper (everyone):I want my Casus Belli
1936-02-03 : Yarmonkey (everyone):Well, you are the Evil Empire.

1936-02-12 : Copper (everyone):Not making much progress yet, commie boy
1936-02-13 : Lum (everyone):my red army troops are slow
1936-02-13 : Lum (everyone):but sure

1936-02-17 : 3:00 March 18, 1936 : We won a battle against Manchukuo in Qiqihar.
1936-02-17 : Copper (everyone):woot, a province!
1936-02-18 : Lum (everyone):manchuokuo is a dangerous, crafty enemy
1936-02-19 : Yarmonkey (everyone):Yes, they are known for their.um.insidious…uh..spicy vegetable dishes

1936-02-19 : 2:00 March 20, 1936 : We won a battle against Japan in Toyama Bay. The following ships were sunk.

Soviet Union – 1. Flotiliya Esmintsev(DD).
Japan – IJN Atago(CA), IJN Takao(CA).
1936-02-19 : Lum (everyone):interestingly, I seem to be maintaining naval parity as well

1936-02-22 : 13:00 March 23, 1936 : Germany declared war upon Denmark.
1936-02-23 : Lum (everyone):bored?

1936-02-23 : 5:00 March 24, 1936 : Our fleet in Tsushima Strait has been completely annihilated!
1936-02-23 : 6:00 March 24, 1936 : We lost a naval battle against Japan in Tsushima Strait. The following ships were sunk.

Soviet Union – Marat(BB), 4. Flotiliya Esmintsev(DD), 21. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 19. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 7. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 1. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 5. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 23. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 4. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 6. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 2. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 22. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 18. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS), 3. Flotiliya Podlodok(SS).
Japan – 18 Yuso Sentai(TP), IJN Yubari(CL), IJN Ryujo(CV).
1936-02-23 : Lum (everyone):ouch, and Japan destroys the Red Navy
1936-02-24 : Yarmonkey (everyone):that’ll larn those commies

1936-02-25 : Yarmonkey (everyone):something is up, I can’t assign tech
1936-02-25 : Yarmonkey (everyone):this is messed up.
1936-02-25 : Yarmonkey (everyone):the tech won’t assign
1936-02-25 : Lum (everyone):hm, my tech teams are fine
1936-02-25 : Lum (everyone):is it just one tech or all?
1936-02-25 : Yarmonkey (everyone):I had one finish, and now I can’t assign it to what I want next
1936-02-25 : Yarmonkey (everyone):hmm, looks like just the one.the one I want, of course
1936-02-25 : Lum (everyone):heh.
1936-02-25 : Copper (everyone):You can’t get helicopters yet, I don’t think

1936-03-07 : Yarmonkey (everyone):doh! rassin frassin.just gave UK 40 oil per day for nothing 😛
1936-03-07 : Lum (everyone):damn albs
1936-03-08 : Copper (everyone):do that to me

1936-03-09 : 4:00 April 10, 1936 : We won a battle against Japan in Bayan Tumen.
1936-03-10 : 9:00 April 11, 1936 : We won a battle against Manchukuo in Ulan Hot.
1936-03-11 : Copper (everyone):Manchuria looking smaller
1936-03-11 : Lum (everyone):it could be a trap
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):I’d better send more troops

1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):damnit! again!
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):tech issue?
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):a second tech I can’t assign
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):it looks like once I use a tech team, I can’t reuse it
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):wonder if it’s a save/reload bug
1936-03-12 : Copper (everyone):d’oh
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):try cycling them out?
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):this is getting bad.
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):you do kind of have an embarassment of riches on tech teams
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):that is going to be a serious problem if I have to ignore my best tech teams every other time.
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):well, riches in a few areas.
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):I would be more sympathetic had I actually researched one tech fully yet to commiserate with your pain
1936-03-12 : Copper (everyone):heheh, ya
1936-03-12 : Copper (everyone):Hey, I got agrichemistry already
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):heh, shouldn’t have gone for nukes so soon
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):were you able to reuse the team, walt?
1936-03-12 : Copper (everyone):yes
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):guess the US is gonna be invading France with bolt action rifles
1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):try a save and reload?
1936-03-12 : Copper (everyone):yeah, save and reload
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):sure

1936-03-12 : Lum (everyone):any luck?
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):ARGH!
1936-03-12 : Yarmonkey (everyone):it removed my just earned tech
1936-03-12 : Copper (everyone):I’m only laughing on the outside

1936-03-13 : 11:00 April 14, 1936 : Italy annexed Ethiopia.
1936-03-13 : Lum (everyone):who the hell let italy play
1936-03-14 : Lum (everyone):did hrose get on our lan?

1936-03-15 : Copper (everyone):do we have a verdict?
1936-03-15 : Yarmonkey (everyone):I’m still missing 8 team-months worth of tech, but I am functional.
1936-03-15 : Lum (everyone):so in the rest of our tech worlds, you lost 3 days?
1936-03-15 : Lum (everyone):you’ll nuke us in 4/41 instead of 2/41, got it
1936-03-15 : Yarmonkey (everyone):heh, perhaps, but I’m going to be a rather anemic arsenal of democracy at this rate
1936-03-16 : Yarmonkey (everyone):I’ll be the knife drawer of democracy instead
1936-03-16 : Lum (everyone):i’ll defend democracy for you
1936-03-17 : Lum (everyone):i’ll keep it in a drawer and make sure no one touches it
1936-03-17 : Yarmonkey (everyone):would you? That’d be great.

1936-03-24 : Lum (everyone):gosh, wish I’d research a tech someday
1936-03-24 : Lum (everyone):’basic machine tools’ looks fun
1936-03-26 : Yarmonkey (everyone):Well, if you’d stop standing on the necks of your workers, they might whip something up for you!
1936-03-26 : Lum (everyone):imagine the engine of the proletariat if we knew how to make socket wrenches instead of forcing them to use their hands to make tanks

1936-03-27 : 15:00 April 28, 1936 : Nationalist China declared war upon Tibet.
1936-03-27 : 15:00 April 28, 1936 : Xibei San Ma joined the war on the same side as Nationalist China in their war against Tibet.
1936-03-29 : 15:00 April 30, 1936 : Tibet entered a Military Alliance with Guangxi Clique and Yunnan.
1936-03-29 : Yarmonkey (everyone):uh oh.Tibet has entered the struggle.
1936-04-00 : Lum (everyone):actually they haven’t
1936-04-00 : Yarmonkey (everyone):well, they joined an alliance.it’s the opening move of a larger strategy
1936-04-00 : Lum (everyone):china is just sort of awe-struckedly watching the war north of them
1936-04-01 : Yarmonkey (everyone):awe-struckedly.
1936-04-03 : Lum (everyone):in soviet russia, words speak YOU

1936-05-21 : 14:00 June 22, 1936 : We have lost control over Petropavlovsk-Kamchatskij to Japan.
1936-05-22 : Lum (everyone):holy crap
1936-05-22 : Lum (everyone):check out kamchatka
1936-05-23 : Lum (everyone):possibly the most pointless invasion in the annals of history!
1936-05-23 : Yarmonkey (everyone):you leave the back door open?
1936-05-23 : Copper (everyone):Winter attrition will take care of that

1936-05-26 : Copper (everyone):Sad thing is that you won’t be able to take out japan without building a pacific navy
1936-05-27 : Copper (everyone):I’d recommend that route. Don’t worry about T34’s
1936-06-00 : Yarmonkey (everyone):seriously, Japan is looking fiesty.you probably want to build a ton of naval bases at this point
1936-06-02 : Copper (everyone):After you get basic machine tools
1936-06-03 : Yarmonkey (everyone):I would suggest you start production on about 60 CAGs

1936-07-23 : 19:00 August 24, 1936 : Soviet Union accepted peace with Japan on the following terms : Chongyin to Soviet Union, Hyesan to Soviet Union, Sinuiju to Soviet Union, Shumushushima to Soviet Union, Toyohara to Soviet Union, Tangshan to Soviet Union, Dalian to Soviet Union, Changde to Soviet Union & Erenhot to Mongolia.
1936-07-24 : Copper (everyone):wimp
1936-07-24 : Yarmonkey (everyone):yoiks
1936-07-25 : Copper (everyone):nice land grab 😉
1936-07-26 : Lum (everyone): :)

1936-09-05 : 23:00 October 6, 1936 : Soviet Union declared war upon Shanxi.
1936-09-05 : 23:00 October 6, 1936 : Mongolia joined the war on the same side as Soviet Union in their war against Shanxi.
1936-09-05 : 23:00 October 6, 1936 : Tannu Tuva joined the war on the same side as Soviet Union and Mongolia in their war against Shanxi.
1936-09-05 : Yarmonkey (everyone):crazy commie warmongers.
1936-09-05 : Copper (everyone):This shouldn’t last long

1936-09-20 : Copper (everyone):I keep thinking there is more I should be doing to your western front
1936-09-20 : Yarmonkey (everyone):Attack!!
1936-09-21 : Copper (everyone):With what?
1936-09-21 : Lum (everyone):you could land in kamchatka
1936-09-22 : Lum (everyone):I’m told that’s a viable strategy
1936-09-22 : Copper (everyone):See earlier statement

1936-10-13 : 12:00 November 14, 1936 : Shanxi are now part of our nation!
1936-10-16 : Copper (everyone):Germany Annexed Haiti!
1936-10-18 : Lum (everyone):grab that 1 vp!

1936-11-18 : 9:00 December 19, 1936 : Soviet Union declared war upon Communist China.
1937-00-06 : 19:00 January 7, 1937 : We won a battle against Communist China in Yan’an.

.And with that we closed for the evening. Tune in next week for 1937: Someone’s Going To Declare War Besides The USSR This Game, Right?

Update:

Thanks to persistent research bugs destroying the US research and the USSR enveloping every country within sight, the Mythic HoI2 game was called awaiting a rematch with a hopefully less buggy version 1.2 (and Lum not being allowed to play any country stronger than, say, France.)

Instead our 3 stalwart warriors played the Fall of France scenario. I’d describe a play by play to you but, well, it’s the Fall of France. France fell. End of scenario.