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Set Your Phasers On Snark

Wil Wheaton reviews Star Trek: Next Generation. Holy triphasic dilithium, this is good stuff.

One of Geordi’s first stops is to visit his good pal Wesley Crusher, who shows off one of his science projects (a mini tractor beam,) and one of his toys, a device that lets Wesley recreate speech from anyone on the ship. Any doubt that Wesley is a complete weenie is removed when we learn that he uses this device to have Captain Picard say things like, “Welcome to the bridge, Wesley,” instead of having Counselor Troi say things like, “Smack my ass, Wesley, I’m a naughty, naughty bitch.” To entirely erase any lingering doubt, Wesley spends the rest of the scene whining that the captain won’t let him on the bridge, even though Wesley is so obviously smart and cool. (On a personal note, I’d like to thank the writers for making such a great first impression with my character. In addition to this spectacular scene, I also got to say lines like, “So you mean I’m drunk? I feel strange, but also good!” In fact, John D.F. Black — who I didn’t realize at the time hated me — also wrote Justice, where he gave me the awesome line, “We’re from Starfleet! We don’t lie!” Thanks for that one, too, Mr. Black.)

You know, when people have been demanding your character’s death for 20 years, that resentment just sort of builds up!