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THIS JUST IN: SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WANT YOU TO STOP TOUCHING THEM

This is the best E3 report ever written. Seriously, I wanted to do something like that back when I did stuff like that, but I never actually got the cojones to walk up to a working girl and ask “So, how do you feel about idiots like me acting like it was the first time they’ve ever been allowed next to a woman?” Truly, an article only a woman could write.

And remember, when you go to E3 to ogle booth babes, you embark on a journey in depravity so sad, even the Project Entropia chick looks down on you.

“This is our first show outside of Sweden, and it’s my first time away from our booth. I decided to walk around and look at some of the other booths, and I’ve been trying to find out what American men like.” She casts a dismissive gaze over Gallop Racer 2004, where a booth babe named “Coco Butter” is currently straddling a wooden horse-head stick and cracking her whip like a jockey-dominatrix.

“American men seem to like totally fake people. Big boobs and mouths. I don’t understand it,” she declares. I tell her I’m Canadian and that Los Angeles is a bit of a culture-shock for me as well. She smiles and invites me to the Swedish Pavilion to see her game.

No, folks, it’s not a script from Cinemax After Dark, it’s the gaming industry. We’ll be here all week.