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The most important thing you will read this year!

No, really. I didn’t write it, I almost wish I did.

A complete lack of regard for the life and welfare of those around you, a belief that your happiness eclipses any and all other considerations or consequences visited on people who aren’t you, a willingness to pay any price out of somebody else’s pocket for your own glory- that’s narcissism. You’re the center of the universe, and you can’t make an omelette without killing a few people.

This, like Victimization, is just one of the many makings of what I and a few of my confidantes refer to as the Psycho Internet Chick. They are a hardy and capricious breed, and a life-threatening hazard to any introverted male who spends any measurable amount of time with a computer, and is introduced to the concept of socialization there.

The related news is that, you see, I decided approximately 1 year ago to no longer indulge psycho internet chicks, because these two traits have spread through their number like gangrene. This sounds misogynistic, and it probably would be except I don’t indulge asshole internet guys either- and it’s pretty easy to sniff out and amputate those infected limbs.

Symptoms of Psycho Internet Chickery include:

1. Bringing up that they’re bisexual within the first month of having known them. This is an attention-getting ploy that is designed, with extraordinary effectiveness, to attract male attention, and is pretty much guaranteed lies. Females that are really bisexual avoid mentioning it whenever possible to their male contemporaries, because they’d rather not be imagined by those males in certain positions that you’ve probably seen on the internet*.

(This can be swapped for other benign eyebrow-hiking kinks, but bisexuality is the ringer of the bunch.)

2. Having a romantic catastrophe within the first two weeks of meeting them. This will elicit sympathy, or interloping, from the targeted male. In my case it was universally the prior- I have this thing about not wanting to interfere in troubled relationships. But the threat of it prompting the latter is enough to cause any chick with her head screwed on straight to keep her mouth shut around guys she’s only known 2 weeks — unless, say, she wants attention.

3. Eeyore-like mentality. Never a good thing going on in life, a continual sense of lacking that they must indulge. This is specifically to elicit sympathy, and also the Knight In Shining Armor reflex in a guy, which isn’t half as noble as it sounds. Guys want to endebt chicks to them- obligate them to remain with them after performing some feat of sacrifice or chivalry. Every man believes that this is how romance works until some point in their lifetime, and chicks know this.

4. Indignance at any indication of fault, in any matter, lying with them. Indignance that you, in fact, must apologize for, at which point you may be allowed back into their glorious presence. This is stated with more than a hint of sarcasm- you’ll definitely be allowed back, and although this sounds vague, nothing is their fault. If you catch them with a smoking gun, a stained sheet, or a Republican party membership card, it is less important that they had these things than it was that you had the temerity to have seen inside their purse, come home early, or listened to the Liberal Media (FoxNews excluded).

Mind you, they’ll never defend the undefendable. They’ll only distract and redirect conversation towards the things you’ve done which are now so much worse.

5. A love of ‘naughty’ things. This is almost a standalone, any time a chick says the word that she’s being ‘naughty’ in a cutesy-poo tone is a time that you should be changing your messenger handles.

‘My bf doesn’t know I’m here, but… I’m being naughty!’
‘I’m dieting, but I love this calorie-enhanced white chocolate- I’m being naughty!’
‘I told my parents I wouldn’t drink while borrowing their car, but… I’m being naughty!’
‘I told him I was on the pill, but…’

You get the idea. This isn’t an attention getting ploy, it’s dismissive justification for bad behavior. If you plan to befriend this person, you will sooner or later be the person defied, betrayed, or hurt for the sake of ‘being naughty’.

There’s more, maybe I’ll come back and add to the list so I have it all written down somewhere. But identify two or more of the above in a girl that you met online, and envision the legendary warning of Admiral Akbar upon arrival at this fully operational battle station: ‘It’s A Trap!’.

*Best line from G4 ever.

Yes, the most important thing you will read this year. If I’ve saved at least one life today, my – and ‘Hugh Betcha’s’ – work here is done. Thank you, and god save you, Debbie, where ever you are!