Category Archives: 50 Cent: Blood on the Sandwich

OMG OMG OMG OMG GIRLS YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS I ALMOST DATED A GAMER AND I *LIVED*

I thought he said he was a magician!

So, like, I made this OKCupid profile, OK, and sure, maybe I had one or two mindless flings from it DON’T JUDGE ME but then there was this one dude who totally played me, I mean he almost appeared to be like, this normal attractive person with a real job and stuff but then OMG he plays this GAME with CARDS and WIZARDS and MAGIC MISSILES and oh god it was so horrible. I did go out with him twice because he totally has his own wikipedia page which means he’s kind of famous right? But it’s in a BAD WAY and I just feel so dirty because now I probably have BASEMENT COOTIES or something.

I did get to write some crap about it for my day job and clock out early so I could load up on more Vegas bombs, though, so it’s all good in the hood, yo.

OK, I’ll stop. (Kiala did it far better anyway.)

So, what’s wrong with this piece? Let me count the ways.

  • The obvious “trendy urbanite is FAR too good for our geeky basement dwelling selves WE MUST UNITE IN RAGE” reaction. While this is the first reaction for many, it’s also the least valid. Because, really, guys?  The first geek wave (by which I mean my generation, hi) is in our mid-40s now. WE OWN EVERYTHING. We can take the paranoid nerd fury down to Defcon 4, it’s OK. Wil Wheaton has the most popular web site in the Universe, for crying out loud. WE WON. Plus a lot of us are girls, and really, this isn’t the Victorian era, we can date amongst our own kind and our kids won’t have hemophilia.
  • The author spent an entire article writing about how she didn’t like dating someone. And then she named the someone. I know things on the Internet aren’t really journalism and it doesn’t count because even trendy urbanites can install WordPress now, but really, at least *pretend* to have some ethics. It’s OK, you’ll still get hits because you’re a girl and mid-40s geeks own everything now. IT’S OK TO HAVE A SHRED OF ETHICS.
  • This was on Gizmodo…. why? Did the guy have a stolen iPhone 5? Was the woman using some kind of new media HTML5 version of OKCupid? Was Nick Denton bored that day?
  • This was… just really badly written. What was the author trying to say here? That people who play Magic are funny? That dorks exist on OKCupid? That she should Google her dates? That if any date ever Googles her they’re never going to call her back, ever? I’m kind of at a loss.
In closing:

NOT GEEK FRIENDLY

GEEK FRIENDLY

I Have Nothing I Could Possibly Add To This Story

Fox announces Family Guy Online

Call Of Booty: We’re So Money

"I just made $12 million while you were laughing at this picture."

Modern Warfare 3 to ship with a subscription service called Call of Duty: Elite. Well, then.

This is so industry-asploding money-printing what-were-movies-again big that some news sources you don’t expect to see linked to on my silly little blog dedicated to amusing EA executives commented on this. Such as, oh:

Wall Street Journal:

First of all, it’s important to keep something in mind: People don’t like to give up more of their money. This is just a general rule.

But in addition to the expected “gaming companies are greedy” comments, there is a lot of confusion about exactly what the new service will involve – and just what people will get for their money.

That disconnect is coming in large part because “Call of Duty” maker Activision doesn’t seem to have ironed out all the details yet. Activision executives told The Wall Street Journal’s Nick Wingfield that they haven’t yet figured out how much to charge for the service – although the Journal reports that it will likely be $7.99 or less. They have said parts of the service will be free, but there are conflicting reports about what exactly those free parts will include.

Forbes:

…like yet another company trying to overcapitalize on social networking BS, as I can speak for the majority of Call of Duty players when I say I don’t give a shit about the interests of the people I’m virtually shooting. And how can portions of a monthly paid subscription service be free? That sentence doesn’t even make sense.

The Guardian:

The driving force behind Elite is clear – the desire to gain revenue from the vast numbers of gamers who regularly play Call of Duty titles online for free. According to Activision, 20 million people play Call of Duty online every month – more than seven million every day.

This number represents a vast source of untapped income – and in an era of declining retail sales for games, identifying new streams of digital revenue is becoming vitally important. The problem is, attempting to install a subscription charge on online multiplayer activity would meet with massive resistance from gamers, who have always enjoyed free access to online functionality with shooter games.

Gamasutra (ok, I link to them all the time but it’s a good instanalysis):

While he’s something of a lightning rod among gamers, it’s worth noting that Wedbush Securities analyst Michael Pachter was the first to forecast this service last year. And while he says he’s still sussing out the particulars, he doesn’t expect Activision to shove Elite down players’ throats out of the gate.

“I think Activision hopes to get up to 1 million subscribers this year,” says Pachter. “From there, they hope to get it up to 3 million next year, then up to 5 million. Over time, they’d like to migrate everyone over to it.”

One million subscribers isn’t exactly pocket change, but with a player base of 7 million users, it’s achievable – and it’s something that would be more than a blip on the company’s earnings.

“I think they’re in this for the long run,” he says. “For their next [fiscal] year, 1 million subscribers [to Elite] is about an added 3 cents per share. It’s meaningful, but who knows ultimately if they’ll end up with 1 million or 10 million.”

If those numbers do start to increase, look for the company to expand the Elite model to other notable franchises. And the most obvious places to do so are StarCraft and Bungie’s upcoming title.

So while the mainstream media ties itself up in knots over OMG WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN, those of us who have followed the game industry follies for a while, including Activision treating the people who actually made Call of Duty a billion-dollar franchise with all the gratitude due the indentured servants they clearly believe them to be, this isn’t exactly a surprise. After all, here’s Bobby Kotick from a few years ago:

[The games we passed on] don’t have the potential to be exploited every year on every platform with clear sequel potential and have the potential to become $100 million dollar franchises. … I think, generally, our strategy has been to focus… on the products that have those attributes and characteristics, the products that we know [that] if we release them today, we’ll be working on them 10 years from now.

How do you exploit people playing your game online for free? Well, charge them, duh.

Happy Friday

This Made Wikipedia Worthwhile

Warren G’s “Regulate”, explained.

Why Twitter Must Be Stopped

Kanye West tweets.

Activision: Moving From Sucking All The Fun Out Of Development To Actually Killing Your Dog

Pretty much everyone I know is talking about Activision’s incredible achievement of taking the studio that made them over a billion dollars into a back room and shooting it in the head.

Today West and Zampella, the two studio heads unceremoniously escorted out of the studio they created by, apparently, rented goons, had their say, through the filter of lawyers. Except… well… it wasn’t that filtered.

Activision conducted the investigation in a manner to maximize the inconvenience and anxiety it would cause West and Zampella. On little notice, Activision insisted on conducting interviews over the President’s Day holiday weekend; West and Zampella were interrogated for over six hours in a windowless conference room; Activision investigators brought other Infinity Ward employees to tears in their questioning and accusations and threatened West and Zampella with “insubordination” if they attempted to console them; Activision’s outside counsel demanded that West and Zampella surrender their personal computers, phones, and communication devices to Activison for review by Activision’s outside counsel and, when West and Zampella asserted their legally protected privacy rights, Activisions counsel said that doing so constituted further acts of insubordination.

If Activision’s executives, on-staff lawyers and rented goons wanted to, say, LARP being the caricature of the most brutal power-mad clueless management possible, this would be a really good way to do it.

Except that – they really did that. (You know, assuming that West and Zampella, through their lawyers, aren’t outright lying. Which I kind of doubt. Too much detail and all that.) Let that sink in a moment. Activision took one of the linchpins of their company, the studio that produced one of the best selling games of all time, and strongarmed them like a bunch of Mafia punks shaking down the local grocer for protection money. This is how they rewarded people who earned them over a billion dollars.

I’ve already said in a column for MMORPG.com how this affair shows the dysfunctional nature of the relationship between publishers and developers, and how setting them up as mutual antagonists ensures that no one is effective. I wrote this before the documents that West and Zampella filed came out. At that time, I was willing to assume that Activision wasn’t evil, merely part of – and a key component in – a system that was failing.

I’m not willing to make that assumption any more. That sort of fascist hardball isn’t done by people with a moral compass. And given the lack of ethics that sort of conduct broadcasts, it makes it easier for me to believe West and Zampella’s core argument – that Activision’s hostile takeover of Infinity Ward (and that’s what it is, with an efficiency that would make the expropriators of Yukos Oil blush) was motivated simply by a desire to not pay the makers of Modern Warfare the money they were owed. Apparently, Activision decided it was cheaper to destroy the studio and entangle its founders in legal tar. Something they anticipated in their 10-K SEC filing:

The Company is concluding an internal human resources inquiry into breaches of contract and insubordination by two senior employees at Infinity Ward. This matter is expected to involve the departure of key personnel and litigation. At present, the Company does not expect this matter to have a material impact on the Company.

Which, it is important to note, was written and filed before West and Zampella were fired.

Bobby Kotick, Activision’s CEO, a man with no interest in games save as methods of exploiting profit, who began his career as someone who rented out nightclubs, and couldn’t understand why anyone would go to them, is already on record as saying:

 

“The goal that I had in bringing a lot of the packaged goods folks into Activision about 10 years ago was to take all the fun out of making video games.”

 

“We are very good at keeping people focused on the deep depression.”

The games Activision Blizzard didn’t pick up, he said, “don’t have the potential to be exploited every year on every platform with clear sequel potential and have the potential to become $100 million dollar franchises.”

Surprisingly, this does not engender a lot of loyalty among people who, you know, don’t see gaming as a packaged good created by frightened line workers so that it can be exploited on a yearly basis. So I guess that would explain the whole lawyers, goons, and lack of money thing.

And this is where the recession comes in – it works in Kotick’s and Activision’s favor, at least until now. When jobs are scarce and companies closing their doors regularly (EA laying off workers the day Activision shot Infinity Ward in the head, coincidentally enough), you don’t have the luxury, often, of having the courage of your convictions.

Yet, I have to believe that given two founders, who while everyone would admit are wildly egotistical, still have every reason to be and have worked for the interests of their team members, unceremoniously ejected and replaced by “packaged goods” functionaries so that the studio could be overseen by a “business unit” – at some point, the people in the trenches have to realize that no amount of job security is worth that.

Or maybe we really are just packaged goods, waiting to be exploited on a yearly basis.

For more notes on the situation see Dave Taylor and Jake Simpson. I’m sure there will be more. I can’t think of any developer who isn’t violently outraged at how this is developing.

Darkfall May Or May Not Have Launched, May Or May Not Be Available For Purchase, You May Or May Not Care

Darkfall pre-orders have sold out! Good thing too, since as this is launch day they can’t technically sell any more. Now they would be called “orders”.

The latest update has Darkfall slouching towards Bethlehem to be born sometime “this evening European time”. For you Amurrican types, that would be… right about now (at this writing it is 7:00 PM GMT). So… Darkfall may have already launched! You probably missed it because you suck and aren’t hardcore and/or European enough.  Can’t you feel the steady beat of the bodies hitting the floor? Oh wait, that’s the other game that launched today: “50 Cent: Blood on the Sandwich“, where Fitty goes on a mad rampage to kill everyone who dares to bleed on his food, thus causing more blood to spill in an existential commentary on the futility of violence.

Which has nothing to do with Darkfall. Or Shadowbane, for that matter.

Threat Condition VASHJ

No, I did not make this up. Someone in our fine, perfectly normal intelligence community was actually retarded enough to try to diagram how uberguilds can plan terror attacks through MMO STRATEGERY.

I can totally see where they are coming from. However, I think, as usual, our fine, perfectly competent intelligence community are being somewhat hung up by the WoW-centric coverage the media pays to our MMO industry. As a PATRIOT and an AMERICAN and someone who thinks Sarah Palin is SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE in a kind of TINA FEY way, let me explain how our entire industry can be subverted by the forces of darkness and Islam.

No word on how our completely not silly at all intelligence establishment plans to stop the clear and present danger of terrorists using Myspace, Facebook, AOL IM, Gmail, carrier pigeons, or other less intricate and mind-blastingly retarded ways of exchanging information with one another.

Al’Qaeda luckily has not yet taken advantage of World of Warcraft’s jaw-droppingly unlimited tools for the planning of global terror, since the group was riven with guild drama shortly after arguments about DKP.