Category Archives: Dude

Always Bet On Poo

Always bet on Catholic schoolgirls.

Duke Nukem Forever is out. No, really! It only took 15 years. So now people can talk about the game as opposed to the development drama.

Surprisingly, a shooter that took 15 years to make about a foul-mouthed Schwarzenegger clone did not address the same target market as, say, Shadow of the Colossus or Braid. To quote Ars Technica:

In the first few moments of Duke Nukem Forever, your character pees in a urinal and then earns an achievement for reaching into a toilet and extracting a piece of human excrement. Why does the game reward you for doing this? I have no idea. It’s not part of a joke or important to the story; the designers of the game apparently feel that you would miss out by not holding some poo in your virtual hand.

So, this is not a game that is not going to make you feel deeply about life, unless to you life is poo (in which case, Blizzard’s World of Warcraft has entire quest lines that will bring you fulfillment). This is a game where… well, here, look at the cover.

WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING, PEOPLE. This is not subtle! Look, there’s a nuclear explosion, and Vegas, and aliens, and covering all of that is some big guy who is waiting patiently for you to give his pistol a blowjob. This is not Shakespeare! Well, except for the plays we don’t talk about. This is the very epitome of embarrassing low brow entertainment. This is, to put not too fine a point on it, the gaming equivalent of a strip club. Which is fine! The fact that strip clubs exist do not prevent you from going to a sushi bar for a nice dinner. It’s a big world, and they coexist peacefully. Plus, if you do want to go to a strip club (and I’m totally not judging you here, really) you’re not going to consult the reviews first. “Oh, I’m not going to Spearmint Rhino tonight, the review in Friday’s Times said it was loud and overrated.” NO! You just go! You just buy the game, and you play it, and you maybe giggle slightly nervously as you blow pregnant rape victims apart with your shotgun. You just DO, OK?

This is why reviewers exist, really. They exist to have FUN with games like these. Such as the above-mentioned Ars Technica review:

I have to install and play this piece of garbage on the PC to see how that version holds up, and make sure there’s nothing to be salvaged from the multiplayer.

Or Destructoid:

A festering irrelevance with nothing to offer the world.

Or Gamespot:

While much of Duke Nukem Forever is embarrassingly bad–the kind of game you point and laugh at–its biggest problem is that it’s so tedious…This game takes an icon and turns him into a laughingstock. Except, no one’s laughing.

Or the Escapist:

A deeply flawed game that I would have stopped playing after five minutes were it not a requirement of my job to play longer.

This is what reviewers pray for nightly. A game that is so awfully, joyously unreviewable that every drop of snark they can muster can just masterfully splatter all over the virtual page. Reviewers are grateful for things like this. Such as this review of the movie aimed at the identical target market for DNF, Sucker Punch.

The first is its complete failure to create any sort of meaningful narrative. To be blunt: This movie is dumb and doesn’t make sense and appears to have been written by sleeping frogs.

Now come on. Admit it. The reviewer loved writing this. I mean, you can’t use “appears to have been written by sleeping frogs” for, say, the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Sometimes a movie, or a game, is just so gloriously off the rails that you rejoice at being able to bust out the metaphors you never, ever get away with.

Which makes the hamfisted attempts at ‘damage control’ by Jim Redner, until-very-recently-2K’s public relations rep, even more odd.

too many went too far with their reviews…we r reviewing who gets games next time and who doesn’t based on today’s venom

What? No! You don’t threaten people with access to content management publishing systems to stop using content management publishing systems! Much like DNF wallows in the joy of its own affection for poo, its PR team should wallow in the joy of the reviews that point out it’s poo. Link to them! Celebrate them! Give DukePoints to whomever uses the most spittle-flecked metaphors! You’re poo, you like poo, roll around in the poo and smile while you show everyone your poo!

And then, announce Duke Nukem Forever After. 2012 release.

Oh, COME ON.

GOG.com, the download service that specializes in ancient games old people like me like, admits that they are a bunch of liars.

First of all we’d like to apologize to everyone who felt deceived or harmed in any way by the closedown of GOG.com. As a small company we don’t have a huge marketing budget and this why we could not miss a chance to generate some buzz around an event as big as launching a brand new version of our website

I’m sure all the people who were unable to download the purchases they paid for are fine with that being because Gregor in Web Design wanted to show off his new Ajax library.

The game industry is widely viewed as lacking in professionalism, ethics, and simple maturity. Events such as this don’t help.

Plus, it’s just really *dumb*. When your entire business model is getting people to send you money for virtual things, you don’t hold a big event to point out “Hey, we can cut off access to your purchases with no notice, and for really profoundly stupid reasons!”

Stop Second Life, For The Children!

Rep. Mark Kirk (R., Ill.) blasts Second Life as a haven for child predators and a “new, scary, uncharted territory”.

The dark side of the Internet site quickly became evident when one of his aides created an account last week, Kirk said.

Within half an hour, the aide said, she was perusing pornography and roaming in “virtual rape rooms” and drug dens.

Chris Hansen had no comment, though Ars Technica, CNET, and Valleywag did. But what do they know. Also, I have heard unsourced rumors that you can actually download pornography on the Interweb. SAVE US, CONGRESS!

Hey, Everybody, It's Time For Reader Mail!

From: Thomas Cheng [thomas.cheng@...]
To: Scott Jennings [my work email address, NOT the one posted here]
Subject: brokentoys.org’s blog
Sent: 4/17/08 6:17 PM

Hello,

I noticed on your website that you have blog posts that relate to the MMO gaming industry. We are in the virtual currency industry where MMO gamers buy and sell virtual items such as weapons and gold for popular online games such as World of Warcraft. We are wondering if you would be interested in posting a blog about the virtual currency industry, which is also known as RMT (Real Money Trading) which includes topics such as gold farming. We would be happy to supply you with any information from within the industry provided that you mention our company so that we can get some publicity.

Please let me know if you are interested. We have press releases ready and can provide you with additional information.

Regards,

Alex Chang
[company name, US postal address, phone number, fax number and email removed]

To: Clueless In RMT-Land

Hello,

I am your enemy, not your friend.

Regards,

Raving Ass With A Blog You Clearly Don’t Read That You Emailed At Work

Baby Jesus Cries

sl-congress.jpgYour tax dollars at work.

International financial markets are in turmoil, gas is pushing $4 a gallon and a recession looms. But don’t worry, folks: The House Energy and Commerce Committee is on the case.

Yesterday, in unwitting observance of April Fools’ Day, the telecommunications subcommittee held a hearing on “online virtual worlds” and the use of cartoon-like characters called avatars.

Surely this, one of the, if not THE first appearances of MMO/VWs before a Congressional committee, was newsworthy and serious.

[Chairman Edward] Markey looked across the room at a jumbo computer screen showing his cartoonish avatar, named EdMarkey Alter. “My avatar actually looks like he’s been working out,” Markey noted approvingly.

Surely, it wasn’t simply an excuse for a public relations exercise.

The lawmakers covered the potential downsides of virtual worlds (recruiting for terrorists, child pornography, human isolation) but much of the hearing served as an infomercial for Second Life. “Virtual worlds,” boasted Second Life founder Philip Rosedale, are “changing the nature of communication itself.” The chairman even allowed him to play a promotional video.

Surely, they had SOME LOGICAL REASON for all this.

Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif.) told Markey her suspicion that “the real reason we’re here is so that you can get some pointers on how to get past the seventh level of the World of Warcraft.”

Oh, OK, then.

In case you aren’t already crying along with our infant lord and savior, Terra Nova has the entire thing available. I didn’t post about this yesterday, because, well. You know. No one would have believed it.

Foreign Policy Issues

joker_iran.jpg

Courtesy of the ever funtaxing Josh Drescher.

Prokofywatch: Richard Bartle Is An Evil Marxist Racist Roundeye

Most people on the Interweb are fairly normal. You know, they post pictures of their cats, sometimes they gossip about work, sometimes they bitch about politics. Much like people everywhere.

Some people on the net are… well, quite obviously crazy. You know the ones, it’s usually something about the patriarchy or the dangers of fundamentalist preachers or intelligent insect armies or long, disturbing fantasies about family members getting it on with each other. And that’s just science fiction writers.

Then you get the ones that are like speakers of foreign languages that you kind of sort of know. You cock your head to one side, because it sounds like they should be making sense, using words that you’re pretty sure are used by normal educated people, but put together differently. Until finally, after in-depth analysis, you realize that dear God, you just wasted your time, because this person isn’t just misunderstood, they really don’t make any sense.

As part of that, I give you Prokofy Neva, probably Second Life’s most infamous avatar and certainly one of its most interviewed by the mass media. There’s not usually much to comment about Neva’s blogs (yes, she has three now), mainly because she focuses absolutely on Second Life and treats other endeavours like MMORPGs and Wikipedia as ridiculous or evil or, usually, both. In fact, pretty much anything Neva doesn’t understand, or hasn’t heard of, she treats as dismissively unimportant. Like, say, SXSW, a live music and film festival that shuts Austin’s traffic and parking down on a yearly basis. Oh, wait, no, it’s not important!

While tekkies and geeks everywhere thinks SXSW is the epitome of culture, it isn’t really, because not only have most normal people never heard of it (it’s in Austin, Texas and a few thousand people go bar-hopping and watch movies and hear panels about games at it annually), those that have wonder privately if it has peaked.

Well, that explains it, I suppose.

 

However, apparently Richard Bartle made the mistake of giving an interview in Second Life, and in so doing, attracting the gaze of the lidless eye.

How *could* Richard Bartle and his MUDs and whatnot have anything to do with Metanomics when Richard Bartle, as a good British socialist and intrinsic Marxist (although he’d deny everything but the British part likely) is opposed to virtual economies. He really really hates RMT, and he wants to set up a giant commission in the sky to scold REALLY hard all those nasty smug little Chinese boys that go around gold-farming and interrupting everybody’s game! For shame! Shame, shame, little Chinese boys (and Western round-eyes who do the same thing, essentially, in Second Life or some place). Shame! Maybe if we all hold hands and chant STOP THE GOLD FARMING, KILL THE RMT really really hard, we can make Tinkerbell wake up and prevent money from leaking into and out of games! Evil money! Evil capitalism!

As I said, Prokofy looks at everything through the Second Life filter. People make money in Second Life. Therefore making money is good. Why would people be against making money anywhere else? Not that anywhere else actually matters, or that you’ve heard of. But Bartle’s said that he’s against RMT in games, and people call Second Life a game, therefore, burn the heretic! Plus, he’s English so he’s probably a Commie. Or gay. No, better go with commie. They’re all lefties there, donchanow.

 

But, we get some clarity as to what Neva is on about: it seems Bartle didn’t speak up when they came for the Jews, or something.

Or, he could have said, “Yes, we’ve seen such a textbook example of the dynamics of griefing in that utter savaging of you on Terra Nova in the w-hat thread, and the solution should be not banning people but enabling them speak in defense of themselves, to have good speech drive out bad eventually.”

 

Instead, he began this total nihilist Marxian rant about the impossiblity of ever having any sort of agreed-upon morality such as to define some minimal code of behaviour (he wasn’t even willing to concede a game-god’s TOS, it was wacky).

[Let us pause for a Moment of Reflection, and recall that when it came to RMT...evil little Chinese boys...gold...there WAS an absolute, rock-solid, non-subjective, absolutely objective moral imperative which we could all invoke, which was (*holds up Cross*): evil, evil game gold mined by evil evil kiddies disrupting the game and CHEATING *gasp*!)

But griefing? Naaah, no moral imperative. It’s anything goes. P.S. this is a good example why socialism always and inevitably turns to crime.

Note that Prokofy Neva is one of the few people actually banned from commenting on Terra Nova. Note that Richard Bartle is on Terra Nova’s masthead. AT LAST ALL IS CLEAR.

 

But just in case you still were confused, Prokofy Neva finally drives a stake in the Bartle Player Types!

Unfortunately, with the usual crashes and lags and idiocies, I couldn’t get more than about half of what he was saying, but he did dwell quite a bit (because unfortunately Robert Bloomfield set him up to dwell on it) on these four avatar classes in games, which were something like, um, let me think now: Asian, African, American, Middle Eastern. No wait. Man Boy Women Girl. Wait. Let me check my notes. Explorer. Doer. Uhhhh Entitlement-Happy Clueless Git Nutsack. And uh…

 

What was it again?

Remember kids, what we don’t understand? We mock. And I really, really don’t understand Prokofy Neva.

 

Best. Game. Ever.

No. REALLY. Go.

Protip: you can stop being a drooling re-re after the tutorial. Here’s my shining character of light:

forumwarz.jpg

Oh, You Totally Would Have Done It Too

After watching Johnathan Coulton play “Still Alive” on Rock Band, this intrepid audience member takes the logical next step and tries to download the song in person.

"You talk about laws? I AM THE LAW!"

I’m not at GDC this week, which means I missed this fine talk.

 In 2005, City of Heroes saw its European launch, soon followed by City of Villains. But, Emmert said, “What I really delivered was a City of Heroes experience with a slightly evil twist.”

I’m sure the rest of the City of team at Cryptic were glad that Jack Emmert was able to deliver City of Villains by himself, emerging Athena-like from his pristine forehead. This is always one of my irritations with the gaming media – the assumption that games are created by one person, usually the one the media likes to talk to, and people who know better shouldn’t play into that. It’s the sign of a rampaging ego. Hell, next thing you know, he’ll start up a blog!

Emmert goes on to contradict what most people on live teams are well aware of through constant beatings. No, really, players don’t mind nerfs!

Despite the forum raging and conflict, however, Emmert stressed: “No nerf ever, ever caused a statistical drop in subscription base, ever. I tracked every single one, and never, in that particular day, week or month, did more people drop the game than in any other particular month. Fascinating.”

Yes, fascinating:

 ”There is one nerf that I did that we lost a couple thousand people on,” he admits. “It was called enhancement diversification… and that really did make people mad.”

I think on that point, the City of team is quite willing to let Emmert take sole credit on.

I am picking on Jack Emmert somewhat – most of his talk seems to have been accurate, if suffused with the hubris he’s known and loved for. You do have to dance with the horse that brought you.