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EA PRESS RELEASE – LOCALIZED EDITION [Author: Arcadian Del Sol]

Today, EA.com announced reductions in our bio-drone workforce which will put our executive team on a quicker path to profitability by allowing us to reabsorb stock options, go ipo, and of of course, save on bio-drone maintenance (salary and health-care benefits). I want to make sure that everyone understands that this action must be made to ensure a black bottom line for a chosen few at EA world headquarters.

We’ve made changes in three of our online business locations to align and consolidate our money, provide more money to our successful executives and to transition our extravagent expense at pogo.com into more money for us.

The reasons behind these decisions are:

We want more money.

We want fewer dissenting opinions from our bio-drones.

We want fewer bio-drones.

The acquisition of pogo.com put us two years ahead of schedule on closing our few flagship studios. The money we blew on acquiring resources that we were already constructing ourselves must come from somewhere; the headcount reductions announced today reflect an attempted concealment of our poor management ability and business sense.

We’ve also decided to squeeze as much money as possible from our bio-drone cashcow, Ultima Online. After pioneering the Persistent State World genre in 1997, UO continues to amaze us by generating greater and greater numbers of loyal subscribers who will put up with a seeminglingly endless amount of neglect and abuse. Hopefully, we at EA headquarters will be able to make a significant amount of money off these poor fools before we run EA Austin completely into the ground.

The reduction in workforce will impact fewer than 200 people, the largest portion of which is associated with products that are near completion that would have been fun games, but have cost us too much money already and do not reflect our interest in cash up front, fun when we get around to it. Making tough decisions about staff reductions and profitability isn’t easy – but making our online business profitable is the quickest way to demonstrate that EA intends to make money at any cost. In the next few weeks, I’ll send more news about our progress in weeding the human element out of our workforce completely, and plans for the growth of my portfolio.