by

THIS JUST IN: I CAN’T HAVE SEX. AND OTHER HOLIDAY OBSERVATIONS

Really! According to the Star:

I saw this at the grocery yesterday. I’m not sure which was more depressing:

(a) That I apparently, like Kirstie Alley, am TOO FAT FOR SEX! and have to stop now.

(b) That the Star saw fit to censor one finger but not the other (ok, this was more amusing than depressing)

(c) That the Salvation Army has upgraded from ringing a bell in your face as you enter the grocery store, to ringing a bell in your face and yelling “SALVATION ARMY! GIVE!” as you walk in. You know, people in urban areas often go to the grocery store EVERY SINGLE DAY, people. Getting yelled at EVERY SINGLE DAY makes one feel distinctly ungiving. Even if the Salvation Army wasn’t… oh, I better not go there. (Hint: Goodwill needs your stuff more.)

(d) That Thanksgiving has been CANCELLED. Yep. No more Thanksgiving. We’ve gone straight to the Christmas season in early November. Despite the fact that Thanksgiving is probably the only holiday I can remotely tolerate. Being thankful for stuff? Hell yeah, I’m all over that. I have metric buttloads to be thankful for. I have no problem being thankful. Making with the merry, spreading good will, buying gifts for everyone I know, frolicking amongst the holly? Uh uh. Homey don’t frolic. Or have sex. BECAUSE THE STAR SAID I WAS TOO FAT. ON CHRISTMAS.

I’m a curmudgeonly agnostic, so I despise the holiday season. My wife (WHO THE STAR SAYS I CAN NO LONGER SLEEP WITH) is a Christian who REALLY despises the holiday season as a pagan holiday invented to please the masses. See, people of different backgrounds can merge in a display of humbuggery. It’s almost enough to warm the heart. Were it not cold. Cold and black. HUMBUG.

There is one holiday tradition I fully intend to maintain, however – egg nog spiked with rum. Ho ho ho!