AND NOW THE FAKE NEWS [Author: Arcadian Del Sol]
FAKE NEWS EXCLUSIVE: FUNCOM TO PURCHASE WOLFPACK FOR UNDISCLOSED SUM OF MONEY AND A COMMUNITY RELATIONS MANAGER TO BE NAMED LATER
Sources entirely made up by the Fake News Center are reporting that hot on the heels of recent unprecedented success by Norwegian developer FunCom, said developer has purchased competitive developer Wolfpack for an undisclosed sum. FunCom recently enjoyed record breaking first-day sales of its online game “Anarchy Offline”. By that evening, hordes of screaming fans rushed their local malls to find the nearest software store. “It was total retail hysteria. People were scrambling over one another, pushing and shoving each other just so they could be the first on their block to return Anarchy Online,” said Seth Moore, Assistant Manager of Electromagnets Botique in Hoboken. “At first I thought I would have to call in for backup. I’m just glad we managed to complete the World War 2 Online returns the day before. I think that experience really helped us. It paid off. I’m just glad nobody was hurt.”
FunCom has enjoyed a massive influx of American Dollars, not from Anarchy Online but from recent stock investments into struggling music retailer “Waxie Maxie.” The rapid pace in which consumers ate up the relatively cheaply produced Daido and Bjork albums translated into huge profits for FunCom. They reportedly re-invested those profits by purchasing Wolfpack, and its developing project, ShadowBane. Does this forecast doom for ShadowBane? We have intercepted fake FunCom memorandums that outline the plan to rename ShadowBane to Anarchy: Legends as the first order of business. When pressed for comment by Fake News Field Reporter Ken Hurglethaw, a FunCom executive who doesn’t actually exist was eager to allay any fears that this recent development would be the ultimate doom of the much maligned and greatly anticipated Shadowbane. “ShadowBane development will continue. Mark my words. If anything, this is a good thing for Wolfpack. Have we learned any lessons with Anarchy Online? I’d say yes. Certainly we will take our time with the ShadowBane team and ensure that it will be ready, stable, and fun, long before next Wednesday’s release.”
FAKE NEWS UPDATE: DOCTOR TWISTER RESIGNS FROM WEB PORTAL TO TAKE INDUSTRY JOB WITH MYSTIC
Fake News Correspondent Ken Jackman was able to invent the following public announcement that nobody at the Doctor Twister Network issued:
PRESS RELEAS: Doctor Twister is no longr here. He will be tak
Shocking news to his faithful reader, indeed.
Finally contacted (not really) for comment, Doctor Twister had only this to add to his press release: “I am very proud to admit that yes I have taken a job with Mystic Beverages. I have always considered myself a Juice Guy, and frankly they bottle the best orange-mango-banana-fruitberry splash I have ever tasted.”
Earlier today, the Doctor Twister Network incorrectly reported that he was being interviewed by Mythic Entertainment. This turned out to be incorrect information as confirmed by Mystic Juice Beverages, Inc. Only moments ago, this update was removed from the twister network and replaced with fronting white boys standing before a pack of late model Chevy Cavaliers painted up to look like sports cars.
FAKE NEWS SCOOP: RICHARD GARRIOTT SEES ATLANTIS, BEGINS PLANS TO BUILD NEW CASTLE UNDER MEDITERRANEAN
Considered by many to be the Howard Hughes of the Internet Generation, game designer and extravagant Texan Richard Garriott was spotted walking to his carriage from the Houston Multiplex 9 talking on a cell phone with persons unknown. Having reportedly been enthralled by the new animated feature Atlantis, Garriott immediately began contacting agents in order to book a submarine tour of the famed submarine metropolis. Upon learning that said sea-city is in fact a work of fiction, Garriott shifted course and started calling his personal home contractor, Lord Baron Von HausScheister.
“Yes, Lord British called me and asked if I could help develop a new project for him. He has always wanted a home somewhere in Europe and having been captivated by his trip to the Titanic and having been impressed with what he saw in the cartoon movie, he asked me if it would be possible to build him a castle underneath the Mediterranian. I of course replied yes because even if it isn’t possible, he pays me lots of money to say yes to him. While the technology still may not be available to begin this project, I have pre-ordered fifty million square feet of saran wrap. Oh, and some dry socks.”
And that is all the fake news we have time for today. Be sure to check back each and every network down-time for more from our desk.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.