This made me die. My coworkers are now looking at my cubicle, wondering (a) if I can be resurrected and (b) what of my stuff can be taken. It was originally posted on our message board by Counselor X.)


(NOTE: While a parody, all 3 calls below are *TRUE* – and the comments attributed to the callers are as close to verbatim matches as I can remember. These 3 calls came back to back only 3 weeks ago. Enjoy this snippet in the life of someone who volunteers his time for *YOU*, and asks nothing back in return)

Couns is filmed live with the men and women of the UO volunteer program. All callers are considered intelligent until proven stupid.

Couns A – “Okay, we’ve got this call just come in, something about someone needing help with their house”
Couns B – “Punch it.” *sirens wail*

On the Scene: Just outside Trinsic
Caller is in the middle of an empty patch of grass about 5 tiles wide by 3 tiles long – there is a mushroom, a log, a tree, a mountain, and a pond in it.

Couns A – “Hi. We are here to help you with your house.”
Couns B – “Hmm. Did It decay? If so, this spot won’t be valid again.”
Caller – “Like I want to know if this spot is legal.”
*Couns A paces around counting steps*
Couns B – “Wow this is really too small – I mean even if the mushroom, the log, the tree, and the ocean weren’t in the middle, it’s just not big enough for a house.”
Caller – “WTF?! That’s so stupid. I mean OSI just wants to hurt the new players. I mean I don’t have any house and I’ve been looking. Do you know of any spots?”
Couns A – “Sorry, this spot is exactly 12 spaces too short and 11 spaces too narrow. I’ve counted the steps several times but try as I could, I can’t find any way to help you put a house here.”
Couns B – “Housing was restricted because the wilderness was turning into a giant maze of houses and tents, and nobody could move around without getting boxed in a corner by homes. I understand your frustration, but with housing out of control. something had to be…
Caller – “Well it sucks. Thanks for nothing. Bye” *recalls away*


Couns A – “Okay, we have a 5-11 emergency call, wedding in trouble, counselors down!”
*Sirens wail – teleport at breakneck speed*

On Scene: The wedding of Petunia and NutCheez, outside Moonglow
Couns A – “Hello, what seems to be the problem?”
Caller – “I’m supposed to marry that chick Petnueea but I just got me a hurting ICQ from like my friend at college. He’s a programmer too, so cool huh? well he says that Petneiala is really a big fat bearded guy who shovels snow in Michigan and was arrested. That some shat or what? Plus he’s a roleplayer – that’s some shat.”
Petunia – *SMILES*
Couns A – “What can we do for you, Mr. NutCheez?”
Caller – “Well I wanted to let you know about this shat beeatch saying he’s a chick. So thanks.”

Couns B – “Anything else we can help you with?”
Caller – “Yeah. They like lied about Necro cuz I seen it on whatthefuckmandotcom so like where is it? You guys lied to us again?”
Couns A – “.clear .next”

Call #3: To Sea or not to Sea
Couns A – “Hi what’s up?”
Caller – “I have a friend who is a counselor and he says this is fucked up. OSI owes me big.”
Couns B – “tell us so we can help”
Caller – “I was on my boat and this has NEVER happened, not ever but OSI gets me something, some kind of Illegal Operation and Suddenly I’m here in the middle of nowhere. My friend says you can move people and there’s no way that can happen. My boat is stolen and I wanna know what you plan to do about it.”
Couns A – “okay, just relax. Let’s try to work this out one step at a time”
Couns B – “.clear .next”
Caller – “Okay, I know for a fact that counselors got fired for this shit, so …”
Couns A – “Well, that’s not correct, but go on.”
Caller – “So explain how that can happen?”
Couns A – “Sounds like you had a computer memory error that causes an illegal operation. If you lose connection to UO, and you are on an unanchored boat, you can sometimes get ‘ejected’ to a nearby shore”
Caller – “But tell me this then, can’t you move players around?”
Couns A – “Yes, but I sure can’t cause your computer to generate an illegal operation.”
Caller – “Well now I’m out 5000 in gold and a GM/SRC did it.”
Couns A – “You lost connection to UO, and…”
Caller – “Did not! Plus, it was only a second cuz I got right back on.”
Couns A – “You were not moved by a counselor, nobody forced a memory crash on your PC, and a GM did not steal your boat. Did you have any more questions?”
Caller – “Yeah. Is this a good spot for a house?”

“180 and Bush, I have them at gunpoint”