DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, IT’S PATCH DAY - SAVE US, LUM! SAVE US! [Author: lum]
Yes, it’s patch day in the wonderful world of UO. That means, if you have any sense at all, you’ll let other addicts go boldly forth where no one has gone before. We’re here for you. We’ve come up with a list of things you can do in the interim.
Get laid. Come on, you know you’ve been meaning to do it for weeks, maybe years now. Now’s that chance. If you’re smart, you’re in luck… thanks to NASDAQ, being smart is WITH IT this year, and women are looking for YOU. If you’re desperate, well, there’s women as desperate as you are, really. Don’t know what to say to women? Never fear, we’re here for you. Just tired of that whole attempting a meaningful relationship thing? Hey, it’s the twenty-first century, whip out your Visa and go to town. As stated in big type in the Guide To Escort Services, paying for a relationship doesn’t mean you’re some kind of loser! Not technically male? Hey, women need love too. Unsure what sex technically is? Well, here it’s all laid out for you using AD&D 2nd Edition rules. Go to town. And when you get tired of all this sex, just jam a pair of scissors repeatedly into your crotch.
Find God. He must be hiding somewhere, since so many folks are posting guides to finding Him. You can try starting here, but be warned, in case you discover bad HTML, as they say, it’s only because Satan DOESN’T WANT YOU TO READ THIS WEBSITE. For those of you who will only be swayed by heavy weapons, try the SWAT Team For Christ. But really… if you’ve ever been in an armory, surrounded by machine guns and grenade launchers, and asked – What would Jesus Do? – he’d tell you to pick the machine gun. But you’d better move, because God hates America. It only seems fair, since Origin hates Australia. And remember, just because you’ve found God doesn’t mean you can’t lust after your neighbor’s wife.
Play Asheron’s Call. In case God or lust (or, as in the previous link, God AND lust) just isn’t enough to keep you busy. In fact, it should take you the next two days just figuring this site out.
And remember, until the shakeout from Patch Day rumbles to a close, you can always find happiness with Russian mail-order amputee brides.