Final Fantasy: A Restrospectivation

Final Fantasies One Through Three: don’t count. FF2 REALLY doesn’t count because it uses the worst use-based skill system EVER. You have to get beaten to gain hit points. This is not a message we want to be sharing with our children. These games have all been re-issued for every platform out there, because everyone wants to play twenty year old games on our new consoles. Final Fantasy Four: DARK KNIGHT BECOMES PRETTYMAN. They end up on the FREAKIN’ MOON. This used to be called Final Fantasy II (Final Fantasy I, remember, does not count). This is the first Final Fantasy most people my age ever played so we get all nostalgic about it SHUT UP. If you play FF4 play it on the DS the way God intended. It has cut scenes like this (on the original SNES all we got was some pixels yelling LALI-HO!) Final Fantasy Five: EXACTLY LIKE FINAL FANTASY FOUR but with actually a pretty cool class system. At the end of the game you end up in the Void, which looks mysteriously similar to the FREAKIN’ MOON. This was originally not released in the US in the SNES days because it was deemed too complex for gaijin to understand. I am not joking. The GBA version is the best. You can play a blue hair girl who waves at dragons. NO REALLY. Final Fantasy Six: Originally called Final Fantasy Three. Everyone older than 35 loves this one and geeks get into slap fights over which silly character is the coolest, mainly because it was the first real CRPG ever on a console that didn’t have you end up on the FREAKIN’ MOON. Plus at the end you fight GOD to the tune of an Emerson Lake and Palmer song. NO REALLY. Seriously, Final Fantasy Six is awesome and you should play it several times. Final Fantasy Seven: Originally called Final Fantasy Seven. Everyone older than 30 loves this one and geeks get into slap fights over which silly anime girlfriend they are secretly hot for (note: Tifa). This one defies previous convention by (a) being on a Playstation as opposed to a Super Nintendo and thus having hours of video and (b) having the FREAKIN’ MOON this time come to YOU. NO REALLY. But shots like this is why everyone loves FF7: Final Fantasy Eight: WAAAAAAAAAAAH I HAVE A GIRL THAT LOVES ME AND I AM SO EMO AND CONFLICTED AND FLASHBACKY AND THE OTHER GUY IS COOLER AND THERE’S THIS TEACHER WHO IS HOT FOR ME BUT SHE’S REALLY A STUDENT AND THE GAME SYSTEM IS RELIANT ON DRAWING SPELLS OUT OF YOUR ENEMY 100 TIMES FOR EACH SPELL AND JAPAN HATES YOU.

Final Fantasy Nine: Originally called WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING

Final Fantasy Ten: I think this the best in the series and if you disagree you should just STEP OFF NOW. A character development system that gives you very granular, constant, customizable progress, graphics that were stunning for the PS2, and you have to kill your father, but it’s cool because he totally wants you to. There is literally a character for everyone in this game, from spunky anime girls to earnest anime girls. Mine is Auron, because he’s just a badass who goes into battle with a huge sword and a jug of wine. Plus he doesn’t look 12.

Final Fantasy X-2: You know, this was actually not a bad game, once you got past things like graphic presentation, plot, and GIRRRL POWWWWWWWWER. OK, so it’s really hard to get past these things. But if you’ve been playing Final Fantasies since 1985, YOU LEARN TO. But this is the only Final Fantasy where there is not some WORLD SHATTERING EVIL that HAS TO BE STOPPED or at least CONFRONTED USING CAPITAL LETTERS. In FFX2 you just sorta bop around the world having happy adventures with your girlfriends.

Oh, and you’re a pop star. Thanks, Square. Just in case you didn’t pander QUITE enough.

Final Fantasy Eleven: Doesn’t actually count, because it turned into an MMO. However they have catgirls.

Final Fantasy Twelve: Turned into an MMO but still counts because you’re the only one playing it. It’s pretty good, in terms of game systems the equal of Final Fantasy Ten, in terms of graphics one of the best PS2 titles ever, but in terms of story, they ran out of story about 3/4 of the way through and it turns into HURRRR KILL BAD GUY NOW, which to be honest was the end game of every Final Fantasy ever, come to think of it. But still great graphics, great gameplay, and no battles on the FREAKIN’ MOON. Oh, and the coolest character is a goddamned pirate/pimp named Han Solo (not really) who has his own bunnygirl (really) named Chewbacca (not really).

And thus is the complete history of Final Fantasy, except for the 30 or so games I skipped. You might ask why I went to all this trouble… and I’m not really sure. I blame unemployment and long sessions of FF4 DS.