FROM THE EDITOR’S DESK [Author: Lum the Mad]
OPTION ONE: DEPLOY GAY PORN This could possibly drive our traffic down dramatically as the massively multiplayer demographic scores highly in the Homophobic and Teenage Male Unsure Of Own Sexuality But Strangely Curious sectors. Unfortunately it would also bring in new users that would make me feel vaguely uneasy about myself. It would also, paradoxically, probably result in an increase of stories involving pro wrestling.
OPTION TWO: CHARGE MONEY This would certainly result in an increase of revenue, as people would be forced to pay money to get their oh-so-necessary MMORPG gossip. This would also drive our traffic down dramatically since no one would actually pay money and thus stop visiting the site. It’s a win-win!
OPTION THREE: DEPLOY ANNOYING POPUP ADS We’re told that people still pay money for the privilege of shoving advertising literally into your face. After all, Crossroads of Dereth deployed annoying pop up ads and their problems were all magically solved! Unfortunately, this solution relies on trusting the sort of people who expect you to click an ad banner to mystically optimize your internet connection while buying miniature cameras to spy on attractive women. Note that there is no link to Crossroads of Dereth. This is for a reason.
OPTION FOUR: JOIN UGO I’m told that UGO is a wonderful, happy network of sites all about gaming! And all you have to do is put up an ad banner and people will send you money! Lots of money! The problem with Option Four is that UGO only pays Fictional Money and Fictional Money only pays server bills in the Land of Make Believe.
OPTION FIVE: DEPLOY ACTUAL PORN Option One was a joke. Option Five is not a joke. I am told lots of people pay money for Option Five. Option Five frightens and confuses me. Let’s not speak of this again.
OPTION SIX: THERE IS NO SPOON None of this is really happening. If I don’t think about the ever-spiraling costs and the fragmenting crash of the Internet that is mirroring the sudden breakdown of our illusionary economy, I become a much happier person. Option Six makes me happy.
Note that, despite the SCREAMING PANIC that these options imply, (and let’s just get it right out front – WE ARE SCREAMING IN A PANIC LIKE LITTLE GIRLS. And I for one am not ashamed of this.) thanks to continuing donations we’re not about to close up shop. However, there may come a time when we start getting really annoying about begging for money. Just pretend we’re NPR, and change the channel over to Stratics or something when we start our Summer Madness Pledge Drive.
If you have the Magic Secret of Surviving The Internet Crash and haven’t already made a zillion dollars off of it yourself, kindly comment in the forums, k? THX.