So I’m reading the Internet. A bad thing, yes. Apparently Kim Jong Il, my favorite superhero, has gone on a secret mission to the mysterious Orient, no doubt to plot fiendishly while wringing his hands.

I check the North Korean news agency to get the scoop on this, and am told that Kim is instead working on his homepage. No, REALLY.

The Polish Internet Homepage on Korea carried an article titled “Humankind respects President Kim Il Sung,” illustrated by a portrait of the President with sunny smile on his face on April 5.

SUNNY. He’s happy. Smiley. Why can’t you let him have nuclear weapons, capitalist aggressors?

The Internet on April 9 carried an article and photos to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the President’s visit to Poland.

Yes. The INTERNET. If you checked the net on 4/9, all you saw were vacation photos of when Kim Il Sung went to Poland. That’ll teach you to look for porn.

Meanwhile, Internet homepage “Kim Jong Il” was opened by the Kim Jong Il Club of the Listeners and Friends of Radio Pyongyang in Jordan. It carried articles introducing his noble popular traits and leadership ability, accompanied by his portrait.

Now, I’m sorry. How the hell did this happen. How many people in freakin’ JORDAN are becoming followers of North Korea’s Glorious Army First Philosophy of Juche Resistance? Maybe they’re just SO damned anti-American they figured that there might be something to that whole axis of evil thing, and by cracky they wanted to sign up! But Iran, being actually close by, was somewhat disconcerting, and Iraq was, well, even more disconcerting, not to mention quite loud.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t actually FIND Jordan’s new Internet homepage “Kim Jong Il”. Or, actually, Poland’s daring Internet homepage that took over the Internet on April 9. There’s the KCNA, of course, North Korea’s completely independent press agency, which is always fun. And updated daily, probably at gunpoint. And then there’s North Korea’s official homepage (really) which is, well, official. And these guys, which are only slightly less official. And I did find these folks, and they seem to mean well.

In any event, there is a certain lack of Juche going on here. This is really bad. After all, the man termed “Dr. Computer who embarrassed experts” would be really disappointed if he actually got North Korea’s ISDN working and Google failed him. I gotta join the Kim Ill Fever.

So here you go, my shoutout to the homeguard in Pyongyang. Word up to yo’ gulag, and peace (or failing that eternal struggle against the American reactionaries) out.

King Kim Korn Karn, after his wrestling match against the tag team of Fighter Hayabusa and Star Man, informs the adoring people of the third world that Brainbuster Really Works.

God, I bet Carnivore really loves me now. Visit me in prison, won’t you?