“Man is the cruelest animal.” — Nietzche

In the interest of public safety, I’m turning the rest of this message over to the Washington Metropolitan Area Sniper Task Force. Your consideration and attention are appreciated.

The person who took your last call could not make out your entire shopping list. Please call us back as soon as possible; we do not want to obtain the wrong brand of cereal. We realize that your grocery needs are very important and we do not wish to cause any more death and destruction by not complying with your every wish as quickly as possible. We also hope that you will call us back. We respect your feelings, but we don’t think at this point in our relationship that it’s out of line to expect that you call us this time as we called you the previous three times. Also, please do not shoot anyone else. We can’t emphasize that enough, although we understand that you may be angry over our last delivery of Salem Ultra Light cigarettes instead of Marlboro Menthol Light as you requested in the note left at the Fredricksburg crime scene. Thank you, and please call us back. Please.

We at brokentoys.org (we being me) appreciate the difficult job the police are doing in appeasing deranged snipers. Thanks for your time.

Read next