PISSING ON GRAVESTONES [Author: Lum the Mad]
Being the editor of a somewhat widely read website occasionally has its perks. We’ll talk about all the random wood elf cybersex and game-company-paid junkets to the Caribbean in future articles. But another perk you don’t hear much about is that you get on everyone’s mailing list. Everyone in the industry wants to spin you, dazzle you, convert you, convince you, or, lacking everything else, simply get your attention.
Well, this company just got my attention. I just recieved what is probably the most tasteless load of shit masquerading as a press release in my email. Here’s an edited excerpt. Because I don’t want to give these dumbshits ANY publicity, I’ve replaced their company name with “Kim Jong Il”, insane leader of a starving nation, and their game’s name with “Mary Kay and Ashley Porn Adventure” because that name amuses me.
KIM JONG IL DENIES RUMORS
Growing Popularity Of Title, Mary Kay and Ashley Porn Adventure(tm), Rumored To Be The Reason Online Titles Were Axed
ARVADA, CO \’e2\’80\ldblquote April 4, 2001 \’e2\’80\ldblquote Kim Jong Il Studios, developer of the highly anticipated Mary Kay and Ashley Porn Adventure(tm), denies that the growing popularity of their title has anything to do with the recent influx of canceled online titles. The news that Electronic Arts had nixed the Ultima Online sequel followed by Infogrames\’e2\’80\’99 decision to pull out of Dungeons and Dragons Online has lead gamers to wildly speculate on the reasons. After receiving a number of inquiries questioning whether Kim Jong Il felt the growing popularity of Mary Kay and Ashley Porn Adventure(tm) was inadvertently responsible, Kim Il Sung, Director of Business Development, issued the following statement.
\’e2\’80\’9cIt\’e2\’80\’99s true that Mary Kay and Ashley Porn Adventure(tm) has gained an unanticipated large following in US and foreign markets. However, we believe that the growing online market will support several key titles. Mary Kay and Ashley Porn Adventure(tm) is a broad market title that will span across PC and Console formats and we feel it would not be a direct competitor of niche titles such as Dungeons and Dragons or Origin: Ultima Online 2. We were as shocked as anyone that these two eagerly awaited titles were canceled. It is a huge disappointment to us all.\’e2\’80\’9d
I’m sorry. Maybe I should have more of a sense of humor about a poor insane hermit kingdom trying to flog their latest hardcore porn game. But hundreds of people were thrown out of work in the space of a week. I knew some of them pretty well. I also know from personal experience that right now is probably the worst time you could pick in the last ten years or so to have to look for work. So my sense of humor is a little low about all this right now.
It’s way too early to start pissing on gravestones. Unless you just like showing everyone your dick. In which case, carry on. But don’t expect us at LtM to reprint pictures.