REPORT FROM THE 2000 VERANT “SCARS OF VELIOUS” RELEASE PARTY [Author: lum]

Look, you promised enhancements for high level rangers! No boost to Defense? Do you people actually play this game or what?

First up, in the opening ceremony, all players who play Rangers were killed.

Once that necessary bit of ugliness was concluded, the costume contest was held. Eight people all came in identical hand-made Flowing Black Robes and matching skull-topped staves. However, this year (it being Vegas) the contest was trumped by Anna Nicole Smith, who came dressed as Firiona Vie. Congratulations, Anna, and those rumors of your entering the contest solely to cajole someone out of platinum on Rallos Zek are purely baseless.

(We’d like to have a picture of Anna Nicole Smith here, but the royalties were steep. Instead, here’s a picture of some guy’s ass.)

Afterwards, Gordon “Abashi” Wrinn opened the floor to questions and answers from the players. As they asked questions, a Verant functionary took down their Sony Station information so that they could be banned later. Among the questions included queries on when Velious would be released, when it would later be patched, when the good loot would be switched from level 35 zones to level 65 zones, whether or not Faydedar was a really homosexual name for a dragon, and did Gordon find Anna Nicole Smith attractive and if so would he be willing to talk to her in-game on Rallos Zek. None of these questions were in fact answered. As someone finally worked up the courage to ask where Alan “Absor” VanCouvering was, the room was raked with automatic weapons fire.

You are so banned.

Shortly thereafter one of the survivors addressed the remaining, traumatized crowd on the little-noticed correlation between meditation and masochism. After looking at their spell books on hours on end, many players admitted they felt that burning sensation in their loins often associated with sexual desire. John “Crackdealer” Smedley looked somewhat embarassed, then whispered to an aide that everyone in the room, including Verant employees, should be immediately banned to keep Everquest a family-friendly environment.

Finally, the long-awaited unveiling of Velious, which was emcee’d by Milo “Porsche” Cooper, unfolded. Here we have the first-ever screenshots from the exciting show.

The EQ Velious Team (Not pictured: John Romero, Todd Porter, Cliff Bleszinski)

We hope you enjoyed our impeccable EQ Velious launch party coverage, and hope to see you again in a week with our equally factual stories filed on location from somewhere under a table at a bar near the UO World’s Fair. As our favorite developers, Croteam, tell us, stay serious.