UO NEWS AND WHIRLED REPORT [Author: Arcadian Del Sol]

PAGE ONE:Dorks Cork Orc’s Torque

New orc masks and the roleplayers who love them.

Calandryll and the amazing technicolor quest system has gone into full production. By now, if you don’t know about the funky green orc masks, then you are too far behind. Stop reading this now because I won’t hold back the rest of the class just for you. I don’t care if you went to E3 or not – you still need to get your homework done.

Why these masks are here, one can only speculate. Reports are that they make you “friend of the orcs” such that when donning one of these facial facades, orcs will not attack you. This will certainly be good news to the umpteen hundred orc guilds that populate every shard ever conceived by man. The rub is that you have to wait 5 months if you want a serious shot at one of these masks – sad for you if the quest doesn’t last that long. Why 5 months? Remember demon bone armor? How long was it before you could kill six efreets without being charged by 50 people scrambling over one another like flies at a Wendy’s drive-thru? What about the magical spell casting fluorescent lightbulbs? How long was it before the 80/80 tamers had more than they could carry, allowing Joe UO Player to have a shot at one? Results may vary by shard, but I stand by 5 months. On friday, every Joe Trammel Roleplayer on Chesapeake was at the orc fort doing his best to jump in on any orc mage being hammered down to one-third health by another player. On Felluca, it turned into a PVP frag fest over the things as “roleplayers” stole kills and thieves stole loot. When the reds showed up, the curtain fell on the whole “quest” idea. I doubt they were thinking, “Hey I know we are red, but lets go and see if we can participate in this whole quest thing.” I suspect it was more of a “hey I know where every non-red Felluca player with 85 skills will be hanging out tonight. Lets go get us some GM armor and gheals.” If Job were a UO player, he might have said that man is borne unto Felluca as the sparks fly upward.

I will update you on the progress of this orc quest in five months when I am able to get a green mask by hanging out at the Britain bank, picking up pouches full of player-chaff.

PAGE TWO:uo.counselors.com?

EA support to players: “don’t call us anymore. Use the website.”

With all in-game support completely removed from UO, what happens when you call EA on the telephone? Well, it took them a full week-and-a-half to stop telling people to page a counselor in-game. What does the playbook say now? “Go post this on the bulletin boards.” It has been my experience in reading these boards that well over 90% of the issues presented are answered by other players – other un-paid players volunteering their answers to questions about in-game problems. Now, I don’t see a problem with this on say, Crossroads of Britannia or UO-Stratics. But once Electronic Arts starts telling players “oh go post this on our boards where other players can answer this for you”, doesn’t that sound like just another variation of a sanctioned player-volunteer based system? Regardless of what you think of the UO Volunteer lawsuit (which is a misnomer in the first place. It is not a UO Volunteer lawsuit – the opinions of 3 people and a handful of lemming cliff-divers going along for the ride does not meet the requirement of “UO Volunteer lawsuit” – look a mini-rant within a rant at no extra charge. We eat the cost for you, our glad-happy customer.), this has to make you wonder if EA_Left_Hand_00 knows what EA_Right_Hand_00 is doing.

And to my 12th grade English teacher; the one with the sparkling azure eyes and hair as golden as Rumplestiltskin’s flax – sorry about that last sentence there. The parenthetical phrase was so long, by the time I got back to the appendix, the entire train-of-thought was derailed. You taught me better than that.

PAGE THREE:I cannot help thee with that. I am too busy making GM trapped chests for my guild.

How to build a successful player-run town in two easy steps

Step #1: get a GM to join your guild

Step #2: dunno what to say here – never really thought about adding a second step.

Because Page Two was as long as my arm, I’ll just paste the link and let you write your own witty commentary.

PAGE FOUR:Adding insulin to injury

Our vote for the Best Worst Macroing Excuse of 2001

Macroers who are busted by GMs and summarily banned are nothing new. Equally old and weary are the excuses used for such activity. But every once in a big blue moon, somebody goes that extra mile for us, and comes up with an original thought. If his excuse is true, then the TOS might need to be updated to include a variant on the phrase “…if you opt to automate UO tasks, do so at your own risk. Not recommended for pregnant mothers, the elderly, and individuals with heart conditions.” This is definitely worth checking out. I always feel a sense of loss for the community whenever anybody has to be banned. I’m not making a judgement on this particular case, but he gets extra credit for the excuse nonetheless.

And finally, as a reward for endurance, may this edify and bless your heart.