WE ALSO FOUND OUT THE CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN IS REALLY RICKY MARTIN'S FATHER

Many of you who read our report from the desert this weekend were struck with curiosity over the identity of the mysterious “Gordon”. (Many others accused me of making him up.) So, we found out who he is, really.

What most of you REALLY wanted was more LadyMOI, and we’re working on doing an interview/feature article with her sometime next week. However, there will be no RealVideo footage involving string bikinis, so it won’t be ALL that you requested.